


The Ghost who Walks Among Us

by gv2oo_gavin



Series: d:bh Supernatural AU [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But Mostly Hurt, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Confused Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Depressed Gavin Reed, Fear, Gavin Reed Needs a Hug, Gavin Reed is a Mess, Gavin Reed is a ghost, Gavin is a Monster, Gay Disaster Gavin Reed, Ghosts, Ghosts?, Human/Monster Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Panic Attacks, Phantom-Ghost-Like-Man, Phantoms?, Sadness, Scared Gavin Reed, Secrets, Shock, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements, Tags Will Update as Story Goes, Touch-Starved Gavin Reed, connor tries to help, never seen a tag like that before ey?, phantoms, well kinda- read the notes before reading
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2020-07-24 01:24:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20017966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gv2oo_gavin/pseuds/gv2oo_gavin
Summary: It all started the night Gavin woke up on his bathroom floor. Soon he realised something happened to him.He isn’t human anymore, no.Gavin is a monster.And he really struggles to handle it.DISCLAIMER i am working on multiple fics at once so updates may be slow :)





	1. What the fuck happened.

**Author's Note:**

> Instagram: @gv2oo_gavin
> 
> If you want, you can chat me up on Instagram, tag me in fanart if anyone makes any haha, or keep updated with what I’m doin (fanfic and art wise) by giving me a follow! 
> 
> I’d appreciate it, and I am always open to chat if anyone wants to or has questions. 
> 
> (REQUESTS OPEN!)  
> I’ll even take requests 👀 no smut though! Otherwise just ask for pretty much anything with Gavin, Nines or Connor in it (if it’s a ship i’ll do reed900, convin or rk1700) and I’ll think about it.  
> Requests will most likely be oneshots, unless you give me an idea I really like then I may think about making a chapter fic with it.  
> If you do ask for a request it may take me a while to get round to/finish it, but I’ll update you on progress :)  
> (i’d love for someone to request something that’d be really cool so don’t be shy-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t ask me where this AU has come from, just don’t. It gets more and more random as you go so you’re in for a ride-
> 
> Hope you enjoy some misty boy Gavin being stressed and terrified beyond belief.
> 
> EDIT: I’ve edited a lot of the notes on each chapter a bit so that’s why it might seem different I guess (only the notes the fic is still the same)

Head pounding. Ears buzzing. Gavin opened his eyes, everything looked fuzzy. He hardly remembered anything, but he managed to focus his eyes. He’s in his bathroom, he realised. At least he was home, at his apartment. But he had no idea why he was feeling so awful, and also weirdly light, except for his pounding head. Then he realised he was cold. No clothes. Gavin was naked. Okay. That’s... totally normal. He stood, slowly, managing to balance himself. The buzzing in his ears was slightly quieter now, but still made him wince. Gavin walked to the door, about to lean on it as he turned the handle. But, when he did lean on it, he fell. Straight through it. _Straight fucking through it._ After Gavin hit the floor, he turned around, and scrambled away from the completely undamaged door as soon as he saw his feet still looked stuck in it. His eyes widened even further, if that was possible, when he saw gray mist come off his feet as he _pulled them through the door,_ as if the fucking thing wasn’t _there._ The mist trailed from the door, before slowly and silently returning to his body and disappearing. His body looked normal again. Gavin stayed there, lying on the floor. In total shock. Was he okay? Was he seeing things? Slowly Gavin shakily stood up, and reached towards the handle. Everything was normal now, his head still hurt but his vision was fine and he couldn’t hear anymore buzzing. Well his vision _looked_ fine, but if he is seeing things then something’s wrong. He hesitated before touching it, realising his hand was shaking slightly. Gavin took a few deep breaths before reaching for it, like you would when normally trying to open a door. And sure enough, his hand pushed down and the door opened. He felt it against his hand. He didn’t feel weirdly light anymore. Everything was good. Except Gavin wasn’t convinced he’d been seeing things the first time. It all felt very real.

Gavin jumped when he suddenly heard the ‘mrowww’ of his cat behind him, before he calmed and turned, squatting next to the little white cat, with a blue left eye and an amber right eye. He looked up at Gavin, tail in the air. “Hey buddy. Guess you don’t know anythin about what the fuck just happened there, do you?” Jake, the cat, tilted his head, eyes big and curious. Gavin smiled and reached to pat his head, but it happened again. With his _cat._ His hand went straight through the cat’s head, and for a moment he could see straight through his hand (where it lay _inside_ of Jake’s head,) to the carpet behind. Both Jake and Gavin leapt back, Jake’s back arched and tail fluffed up in fright, but his head normal again, as Gavin smacked into the wall next to his bathroom door, panting heavily from.. shock and fear. That mist trailed from the place he’d touched Jake, but it seemed to follow his hand. It looked somewhat magical, and as it floated back to Gavin’s hand, he couldn’t feel his fingers. Gavin tried pressing them to his thumb, but they just went straight through, and he started trembling. When the gray mist came back, and sort of went into his hand, his fingers materialised. They looked normal again, instead of translucent. He could feel them. It was like his body was... _made_ of this mist, and when it came together, it materialised into his human body. When he fell through that door, he couldn’t feel his entire body. This time, when he’d just touched Jake’s head with his fingers, it was only his fingers he couldn’t feel, until his hand soaked up the mist again. So, in basic terms, (the most basic Gavin could try to think of in the shocked state he was,) Gavin was in fact a bunch of fucking mist that’s compacted to create something looking like a human. But whenever it touches something, it gets disturbed and spreads out thinly, so he goes straight through whatever was touched. But then... why had nothing happened the second time he touched the handle? Gavin shook his head. Finally he looked away from his hand to Jake, who had calmed, and was also eyeing his hand curiously, still keeping his distance warily. Gavin put his head against the wall. Again, nothing happened. His whole body was leaning against it anyway and nothing happened. Gavin had already decided to force his thoughts not to think about the future. He didn’t want to spiral into panic for nothing; after all, he wasn’t going through an object he was touching now. And his hand didin’t slip through the door or its handle the second time he touched it. But fuck. Gavin was fucked. He had no idea what was going on, or how this happened. Rubbing his eyes, Gavin decided to splash his face with water. Whether he was going to warp through the bathroom door or push it open like a normal human being, he didn’t know. But quite frankly, and unexpectedly, Gavin was too tired to bring himself to care. Maybe this was just some fucked up nightmare anyway. Gavin really hoped this was just some fucked up nightmare. He stood, and turned towards the door. Shutting one eye tight, he only peaked slightly through the other as he slowly brought his hand to the door. His hand came into contact with the painted wood and he pushed it open. Gavin let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, and stepped into the bathroom. He leaned against the sink, surprised and relieved he didn’t fall through it, and stared in the mirror. His normal, gray eyes stared back. His face was completely normal, so nothing changed, only when he touches things. Well, sometimes when he’s touching things. Gavin sighed and turned the faucet to the hot setting while turning it on. He waited a moment for the water to warm up before putting his hands in it. And that’s when he realised it burned like fucking fire, and that mist rose suddenly from his hands. “Fuck! Shit!” Gavin jerked back and stared at his hands. Mist came off them as steam. The water had _burned_ the mist out of place. Oh shit. The water wasn’t even that fucking hot. But it didn’t half fucking hurt. Well that’s great, Gavin could live a life allergic to heat... fucking fine. That’s fine. Let’s not think too much about that. Until he looked up into the mirror and froze, staring at his eyes. His whole fucking eyeballs were jet black, his pupils tiny white lines. He couldn’t tell if they were dots or little vertical lines, but he decided they were a mixture of the two. Fat little vertical lines. He watched in pure shock and awe as the black faded, retreating to the sides of his eyes, revealing his normal, _human_ eyes after his hands cooled down and stopped steaming. After staying still in that same position a few moments, Gavin looked down to his hands; they looked normal now, good, and looked back to the mirror again, stepping forwards slowly. He analysed his eyes in the reflection. No trace of the black anywhere. It was like nothing happened. He turned off the faucet and rested his hands on the sides of the sink, breath coming short and quick. Holy shit. Holy _shit._ What the _fuck_ was happening to him??? “Fuck!” Gavin shout-whispered to himself. So when he touched hot water, and most likely hot things in general, his eyes went black. Yep, fine, totally normal, let’s just add that to the list of ‘weird creepy shit happening to Gavin’. Like what the fuck even is this? What is he?? This is insane, unreal, unnatural- but it was happening. Gavin had to try press on though, find out everything about himself before something happened in public, or some shit like that. He just wanted to know everything different about himself before thinking about... the future. What will happen. Or the past; how this happened. Gavin took in some deep breaths to calm himself. So, hot water; burns him so he steams (and it hurts like hell), and eyes go black. How about cold water? Gavin was sort of scared to try. But he turned the faucet to the ‘cold’ setting and turned it on, before hesitantly putting a hand under it. Nothing happened. He looked up at his face, his eyes; no change there. In fact it felt amazing; relieving. So the weird mist liked cold, that’s good, he guessed. Gavin sighed in relief. If he couldn’t shower, or drink, that would be pretty bad. Wait, fuck- coffee. Could he drink coffee? He turned the faucet off again and ran out the room, leaving the door open. On the way to the kitchen (which was only a few steps away from his bathroom in his small place), Gavin stopped, remembering he was naked. Best get some clothes on and hope they don’t fall through him. Gavin sighed and turned to his bedroom door. He wanted to try something this time. This time, he willed his hand to go through the middle of the door. It did, and gray mist came from it as it went through. Somewhat reluctantly, he stepped through the door, body going translucent as he did. This was insane. And now he was in his bedroom, like the door wasn’t there. The last bit of mist came to him again, and he felt like he existed again, he was solid again.

Although he was made of mist, Gavin still felt human whenever he was materialised. In fact he was hungry and thirsty now, so he must still have a stomach and everything. Which relieved him. Anyway, now he turned to his bedroom door again. He put his hand next to the wood, and as he moved towards it he willed his body to stay materialised. It did. His hand pressed against the door, again making contact with the wood. He couldn’t fucking believe any of this, but at least, (or at least he thought), he could control it. Willing himself to stay materialised, he opened his wardrobe and draw, got some clothes out and put them on. All the while no gray mist showed up anywhere; the clothes hung on his body like they normally would. Gavin breathed a long sigh of relief when he finished changing into gray sweatpants and black hoodie with a faded band logo on it. Now he just had to see if he could go through something with his clothes on. He guessed no, but he needed to make sure he was right. He began stepping through the door, shocked when his clothes also turned translucent and mist lead from them; just like his body. He stepped through the door again, his body and clothes materialising on the other side. Gavin had no clue how this fucking thing worked. But he guessed it was a good thing his clothes stayed on. Again trying to ignore the panic that slowly began to rise in him about this whole... situation, Gavin focused on coffee.

There was no door to his kitchen; his kitchen and living room was one room, with one of the kitchen counters the only thing separating them. The only other rooms were his bathroom and bedroom. Gavin opened the cupboard (he was slowly starting to get used to this whole, ‘keeping his body materialised’ thing) and he took out a mug, taking it to his coffee machine and making his preferred coffee; black, but with a tiny bit of milk. When it finished, Gavin stared at it a few seconds. If he couldn’t drink it... fuck, he just couldn’t imagine life without coffee. He took it to his bedroom so he could look in the mirror as he drank it. As he carried it, his hand stayed the same. Maybe it was just warm water that did anything, but he’d have to try touching the actual mug instead of just the handle. He set it on his desk, and touched the edge of the mug with his fingertips. Hissing “Fuck,” under his breath, he took away his fingers which were steaming, holding them in his other and as the unsettled mist settled again. Shit, could he ever get used to this? Gavin shook his head and picked up the mug by the handle again, taking a sip. Glaring at himself in the mirror, Gavin almost toppled as he relished at the soothing warm liquid, that he now realised he really needed, going down his throat. At least it didn’t hurt, and he didn’t ‘steam’. Yet, of course his life had to be a little cruel as he did literally his favourite thing in life; drink coffee. Watching the black begin to cloud his eyes in the mirror, Gavin had to steady himself against his chair. In about one long second, his eyes were black with the tiny white pupils again. Gavin felt his heart thump faster when he realised the black wasn’t leaving, even when he finished swallowing that sip. But before he could panic and think about it too much, the black dissipated from his eyes, about 3 seconds after he swallowed the coffee. Like with the water, all the while he could see fine. Gavin put the mug down again and leaned both hands on the chair. What the _fuck_ was going on!?? Gavin breathed a few deep breaths. He still couldn’t handle this. What, he wakes up in his bathroom, naked, and suddenly his whole fucking body is a bunch of mist, and his eyes go black when he touched hot things!? Was this some weird rare disease? a curse?? Gavin had no clue, but he really hoped it would stop eventually.

It didn’t. It never did. Gavin had called in sick that morning, saying he was coming down with something big. That was 2 weeks ago. He’d had many calls from Fowler, Tina, Chris, hell, even Connor, asking where the fuck he was (except Connor, he used much more polite terms, of course). Gavin was now sitting on his sofa, Jake sleeping beside him. Gavin had finally grasped what was happening to him, he was more used to it now. He couldn’t bring himself to care too much about this whole ordeal, not when he was alone, anyway; often he’d just walk freely through walls and doors in his apartment, just because he could. Besides, he didn’t feel a thing when he did. He’d stayed at home for the whole two weeks, only once leaving to do some very stressful food shopping. As much as he’d willed his body to keep together, he’d brushed past somebody, and went straight through them. Both himself and the poor old woman he’d half-walked through watched in shock as the mist floated back into him. He’d quickly mumbled sorry, and that was the moment he decided to just buy the food he had and go. With objects, he’d gotten so used to it he hardly had to think about keeping together before touching it. But with people, and Jake, it never worked. Gavin sighed sadly, trying not to let the thought of ‘I’ll never be able to touch anyone again’ plague his mind too much. Gavin knew he’d begun to feel lonely, as depressing thoughts about his problem swirling around his mind. He didn’t want that anymore. He’ll go to work tomorrow; he’d rather be stressed than depressed. He thinks, anyway. Gavin just hoped he wouldn’t accidentally touch someone. Often Gavin wondered what would actually happen if the public found out about his issue. Would he be taken to labs and tested on? What if he was taken to fucking Area 51 or some shit like that? Gavin normally shrugged the thoughts away, thinking to just try and not touch anyone. But he’ll go to work again; he could do it. This will work. His life can go back to normal one day. All this will stop someday; you’ll see, Gavin thought, mainly just to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JESUS i’ve never had to type the word ‘materialised’ so many times before. now i only have to type ‘mate’ before it pops up in autocorrect.
> 
> Next chapter; Gavin goes to work and everyone’s like wOoAH why hasn’t he punched any androids yet. The guy normally does that within the first 5 seconds of being in the precinct-
> 
> Anywho, hope you enjoyed. I don’t think i’m gonna make a fixed date for the chapters; they’ll just come with interest. But I will focus on it, there’ll definitely be a few more chapters at least. Kudos and comments are much appreciated!
> 
> PLS READ THIS!  
> I’d appreciate if you replied in the comments :3  
> also is he ghost? like, sort of? I mean.. he doesn’t look like a ghost. But he can walk through walls n stuff, and he goes translucent when he does (translucent basically means see-through but still visible. In this context, Gavin’s body (and clothes) just all becomes see through but with a gray tint. When you look through him, it’s still clear there’s the shape of a man between you and whatever you’re seeing through him. Gavin can also look like this out of pure will, without having to go through anything, but he don’t know that yet. Also might make it be a thing where he goes translucent when he’s shy or embarrassed? idk. tell me what you think) uhhh hope that helps you understand what he looks like? Otherwise he just looks like a normal human btw. Also i have no clue where the black eye thing came from. Just thought it would look sorta cool lol


	2. Harder than it Looks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin realises just how difficult it is to hide who he is. He also struggles to battle sadness as it consumes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aCk- i was thinkin about not continuing this but then a nice human posted a nice comment on the last chapter so here’s a present for your kindness
> 
> Heads Up;  
> There’s a lot of swearing in this. bear in mind people really don’t normally swear this much. But when having panic attacks, it’s acceptable. Especially when whatever’s happened to Gavin in this fic is happening, lmao.

Gavin walked into work the next day; Monday. He really should loosen his grip on his take away cup of coffee, or it’ll implode and coffee will go everywhere. Then he remembered what would happen to him if the hot liquid reached his skin, so he finally managed to loosen his grip.

Of course people just had to crowd him when he walked in. Fuck, he was scared. First person to see him was Chris, and he yelled, “Gavin! You’re back!” Gavin was just so happy that this attracted the attention of other officers. It wasn’t because they cared about him or anything, just curious as to why the detective rumoured to never take time off work, took time off work. Alot of time. Gavin was thankful he never took time off work, cause he had the holiday days to spare for those 2 weeks.

Chris got up from his desk and walked over to him, about to give him a bro hug. Something he often did with Gavin at special events or whatever. Was this a special event? Gavin couldn’t think too much about that as he tried to come up with an excuse as to why Chris can’t touch him. He took a big step back, shaking his head.

”Woah, hold yer horses Chris. I’m still sick, don’t want you catchin’ it.” His voice was slurred slightly from lack of sleep. This was the one time he was thankful for that, as it made him even sound sick.

Thankfully it worked and Chris just stopped about a foot away. Still a bit close for Gavin’s comfort but it’ll have to do. “Jeez, I mean, you do look like shit, Gavin.” Chris voiced his concern.

Gavin chuckled tiredly. “What else is new.” He replied, and rubbed his eyes, with the even bigger bags under them than there used to be. Gavin literally felt hollow and sick being this close to people. Other officers had crowded round in a loose circle, and Gavin fucking hated it. He’d never felt so fucking uncomfortable, or scared. He could feel his heart begin to pound hard in his chest. He had to calm down, before someone like Chris here tried patting his back or arm to help calm him.

Chris chuckled back. “Yeah, well, it ain’t new. But it is new that you’re takin’ days off. I’ve seen you come into work looking like a zombie, Gav. I thought you couldn’t get any worse. What was so bad about this time?” Gavin really didn’t want to talk right now. Not here, not with all these people. He could feel sweat forming on his forehead. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Gavin attempted a normal looking, not-tense-at-all shrug. “Uh, I-I dunno. Just.. worse than other times. I could barely move. I only left my apartment once in the whole 2 weeks.” That was fine, right? Chris wouldn’t be able to tell how tense he was. Or the fact he was lying. Fuck, Gavin knew he was shit at lying, this was hard.

Chris looked slightly suspicious. But Gavin forgets how much of a great friend he can be. Chris does realise he’s tense, but instead of touching him, the man turns to the other officers. “Alright, alright, go on, you’ve all got work to do.” Gavin felt the corners of his mouth turn up into a very small smile as Chris shooed them all away. Gradually the officers broke up, getting away from the entrance and further into the precinct, and soon enough it was just him and Chris. Gavin heaved a few deep breaths, more obviously than he’d meant to show it. “Are you alright Gav?” Chris’ concerned voice suddenly sounded a lot closer and Gavin practically jumped back with a tiny fear-squeak. Immediately he tried to regain composure, but Chris had already seen... whatever the fuck that was. They made eye contact for an uncomfortably long moment, and Chris looked incredibly confused.

”Chris, I-“

”GAVIN!”

Oh shit. Gavin stepped back just in time before Tina came bulldozing into him, but she stopped when he did. “Aw come ooon, I don’t care if you’re sick. No one’s seen a single sign of you for 2 weeks!” Tina tried again, approaching to hug him. And goddamn, Gavin really could do with a hug right now. But he forced himself to back away again.

”Tina, I mean it, d-don’t touch me-“ fuck he was all scared again. He kept his voice more serious than he’d ever sounded. Number one priority is to get people away from him. Coming up with excuses for why can come later. And now he’d backed into a wall. Gavin gulped, growing more and more stressed by the second. But thank fucking God, Tina noticed this and stopped. She glanced at Chris, who shrugged, and turned back to Gavin again. Who was cowering. He never cowered, ever. His fight or flight response was always fight, never flight, and Tina knew that. Any fear always turned to anger until now. Tina knew that too.

”...Gavin, what the hell is the matter with you? You’re never like this, you know it.” Tina crossed her arms, clearly not moving out his way until she got a good enough answer. She was way too close. Way too fucking close and Gavin could feel his panic building, he was already struggling to breathe. He never had a panic attack this easily and fuck, Tina knew that too goddammit!

”P-please- fuck, please step back.” Gavin said quietly. When Tina finally stepped back so they were a little more than an arms length apart, Gavin cleared his throat and continued. “Look, Tina, I’ve just- I’ve just been through hell, I don’t want you to have to go through it too. You already go through hell being friends with me.” He let out a nervous laugh, but Tina still wasn’t moving, although she smiled. Gavin straightened up. “I just... I still feel real weak. I uh... yeah. Sorry if I act different, but who knew what two weeks feelin’ like this could do to ya.” He kept his voice quiet and weak. Gavin absolutely hated having to do that, he hated looking weak. But it’s what he’ll have to do to keep his friends away.

Tina chuckled slightly. “Never thought I’d live to see the day you actually showed some sort of weakness, Gav. Look, you don’t have to be scared of being weak. No one’s gonna hurt you, alright? And if they do I’ll make sure they fuckin’ pay.” Tina smirked but Gavin’s smile faded and he looked away. He was shaking when he replied.

”Yeah... but feelin’ like this, it’s like instinct to be afraid. I can’t fuckin’ help that. I feel like... I’m made of nothing.” Realising he pretty much spoke his mind, Gavin carefully but quickly stepped around Tina, and beelined for his desk. He also ignored his friend’s worried stare boring into him.

Gavin sighed and sat down, taking a sip of his coffee. Relishing at the warm liquid smoothly sliding down his throat, and remembering to keep his weird-ass fucking eyes shut tight, and keeping them like that for at least 10 seconds after the sip, just to be safe. That was his rule now, when drinking coffee in public. Gavin groaned, face planting on the desk after he put his coffee down. He’d probably end up taking up smoking again at this rate, after having quitting only a few weeks before this whole shitstorm started. As if his life couldn’t get any worse, Gavin looked up out the corner of his eye to see Connor coming up to him. Great. Another person to worry about his health.

”Detective Reed, I couldn’t help but notice you’re not suffering anything other than sleep deprivation. I’m very curious to what happened to make you stay off work for two weeks, as I trust there would be a good reason for you to do so.”

Gavin was definitely going to take up smoking again at this rate. He whipped around suddenly; that, Connor expected. Gavin’s knuckles went white from balling his hands into fists so hard; also something Connor had expected. His eyes looked up at him, filled with- fear? Connor hadn’t expected that. “What the fuck? What the- what are you thinking, scanning me like that!? Did- did you p-pick up anything else??” Gavin’s voice was filled with more fear and panic Connor had ever heard from him. The way he asked that... was almost like there was something he was afraid of Connor noticing in his scan. Connor’s brows furrowed and he scanned him again;

Elevated Heart Rate  
most likely causes: fear, panic and caffeine

Sweating Forehead  
most likely causes: fear and panic

Bags Underneath Eyes  
most likely cause: sleep deprivation

Everything else was normal. Connor tilted his head slightly. “No? Other than the fact you’re clearly experiencing fear and panic. Gavin, what are you afraid of?”

Ever since this dipshit turned deviant or whatever, he’s always been so fucking curious. But, he had been working his way to make peace with Gavin, maybe even to become friends. Before his two weeks off, Connor would regularly get him a coffee, and Gavin had finally got to the point of saying thanks. Until this happened. Gavin sighed.

“Curiosity killed the cat.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Gavin looked towards his terminal. He wanted to talk. He wanted a shoulder to cry on. Gavin winced when he realised he’ll never be able to lean on anyone’s shoulder. Not even the stupidly attractive android. Wait, could he touch androids? Gavin looked back into Connor’s doe eyes, that were still waiting for an answer. He kept eye contact as he unnoticeably edged his foot closer to Connor’s, heart sparking with hope. His shoe reached the android’s.... and his foot went straight through. His eyes momentarily flicked to where the edge of his shoe trailed with mist, and he felt like fucking crying. Again. He recoiled into himself, facing away from Connor.

“I’m fine. Leave me alone.” he mumbled.

Thick Voice, Watery Eyes, Hunched Shoulders  
most likely cause: sadness  
most likely cause: ???

Connor shook his head. He wasn’t going to give up this easily. He slowly reached a hand out. “Gavin, I only want to help-“

“DON’T TOUCH ME-“ Gavin suddenly shouted, again attracting alot of unwanted attention, as he backed his chair into the wall next to his desk. It smacked into it and Gavin leapt up, Connor’s hand had been way too fucking close and he glared at him. Though it wasn’t a hard glare. It was fearful and terrified and he knew his eyes were probably bloodshot at this point but Gavin couldn’t give fewer shits, he was a walking cloud and he hated it. “I’m... sorry.” he mumbled, before running for his life towards the bathrooms. This was fucking harder than he ever thought it would be.

Gavin just about managed to actually open the door to the bathrooms in his panic instead of going straight through it. There was no one else here, thankfully, and Gavin backed up against a wall and tried to breathe. Shit. If he has a panic attack this easily, Fowler’s definitely gonna notice something’s up. Everyone will. Gavin found himself really wishing people would just... not exist. Or that his fucking misty shit wouldn’t exist. He also realised how warm it was in the precinct, cause unlike at his apartment, the heating was on. Because the other normal people here want to be nice and warm in January. Unlike Gavin, who loved the cold now. Not only that but he gets warm really easily now, and when he gets warm... fuck. What the fuck was he gonna do in the summer? Gavin snapped out of his thoughts when he realised they were definitely drifting off the topic of trying to breathe, and now he literally couldn’t. He felt like something he was bottling up really needed the lid screwed off. Then he realised what that was, and as soon as he did, his body and clothes suddenly started going fucking translucent and shrouded in light mist. Gavin thought he should panic more about this, but a sudden calm washed over him, and he could breathe again. Wait. He wasn’t breathing. Fuck, he didn’t need to when he was like this. Gavin stepped away from the wall and to the mirror. Holy fuck, he was not human in the fucking slightest. Sure he was shaped like himself. He even had his features still visible, even the scar on his nose. But he was... see-through, the outline of him and his features gray, eyes black with white pupils again. He looked down to his hand. He could see straight through it, but he could also see his hand. Including all the details on it. Gavin rubbed his fingers against his thumb; he could feel it. He brought a hand to his face; that felt like it was there too. Then he focused on his wyes again. The fuck? He hadn’t touched anything hot. Maybe this was just all of his true self coming out. Sure, Gavin was scared someone might come in and see a translucent Gavin, from whom mist trailed behind where ever he moved. But he felt free. He felt calm. Only moments ago he swore it was the most uncomfortable moment of his life. Now he felt like he could do anything, go anywhere, run for miles and never get tired. It was amazing, and Gavin had never felt this since this creepy shit started. But right now it didn’t feel creepy. Even if his eyes did look like... that. Instead it just felt... like this was the real him. As if this was the body he’d spent his whole life in, not his human one. As if he was complete. The thought scared Gavin again, but any fear was simply washed away when he was like this.

At least this body was clever enough to return to his human one as soon as the bathroom door sounded. All the mist disappeared, his skin and clothes became opaque and coloured again, his eyes returned to normal. Or were they his fake eyes? Gavin didn’t know anymore. But Gavin watched it all happen in the mirror in about 0.25 seconds. Gavin just stood in shock and awe as Connor approached him, glaring back at his reflection, still trying to decide if these were his normal eyes. 

Wait. Connor was approaching him. Gavin jerked around suddenly, woah, way too suddenly; Gavin stumbled and almost fell but managed to balance himself on the sinks. He had to remember he wasn’t as light as he felt about 2 seconds ago. Jesus, now he just felt like a fucking boulder, like he suddenly had a ton of weight to carry around.

”Detective R- are you alright?” Connor suddenly said when Gavin stumbled.

”No,” Gavin answered honestly. His voice was hoarse like he hadn’t spoke for days, and he felt dizzy, almost like when he first woke up naked in his bathroom. Seems his systems took a while to get back online after becoming... uh... mist-man. Gavin really had to figure out what to call his... other self. Maybe just his other self. Hmm bit creepy. Gavin shook his head slightly, trying to sort out his fuzzy vision. But that only made it worse. Fuck, he felt like how characters feel in Minecraft when they eat pufferfish, when Gavin played that game as a kid. “Fuck... I feel... really weird... can’t... see right...” Gavin’s insides felt like they were still reappearing, and it didn’t feel painful or even uncomfortable, just really... strange. Gavin then quickly added, “d-don’t scan!”

Damn it. Connor really wanted to scan. He was about to, but hesitated when Gavin said that. He didn’t want to invade the man’s privacy, but he didn’t want to neglect his health either. Connor reluctantly decided against scanning. Gavin seemed like he’ll be alright in a bit anyway, but he was just so curious... No, Connor won’t let his selfishness control his actions. “...I won’t. But, Gavin, will you please tell me what’s wrong? You’ve been acting strange ever since you came in-“

”What, ab-bout five minutes ago?? J-just give me a s-ec, will you... fucking God...” Gavin’s words slurred as he couldn’t get his mouth to work properly. As weird as he felt, Gavin still felt the lasting calm from when he went translucent, and his low stress levels and regular heart rate confused both him and Connor. 

Connor sighed frustratedly all of a sudden, when Gavin was hoping he’d just take his words for it and leave. But no, since when did Connor ever do that? “Gavin, you need to tell me something, otherwise I can only assume you’ve been consuming... some sort of drug.” At that Gavin whipped around to face him and practically started laughing. Why was he feeling so... carelessly calm? Gavin didn’t mind it, though, he invited it in after the stress he’d just been experiencing.

”You think- you think I’m fucking high?? Wow, thanks, Con. Yeah, cause I’ve been dying for a promotion or at least to prove myself worthy of this job only to give it all up now, and just take drugs. Con, please, you know I wouldn’t.” His words were still slightly slurred in places, but he was definitely getting the hang of speaking again. Gavin still couldn't believe Connor thought he would actually take drugs.

Connor raised an eyebrow, a look Gavin personally loved. Including when he tilted his head like a dog. Or when he smiled his tiny smile. Or when he- yeah Gavin pretty much loved all Connor’s looks. “Gavin. Talk to me.” It wasn’t a question. A command. And now, when Gavin finally stared into his beautiful brown doe eyes, sadness came creeping back into him. His smile slowly faded, the sadness glazing his eyes slightly.

”Wish I could, Robocop.” he sighed. “Wish I could.” Gavin’s voice was quiet, and he broke eye contact to stare at the ground.

Connor’s gaze filled with sympathy. He’d never seen a sad Gavin. Maybe he had, but the man had always covered it up with anger. And what did he mean? He wish he could? Why couldn’t he? Connor voiced his thoughts quietly. “Why can’t you?”

Gavin looked up at him then. His lips parted slightly, ready to answer. (Connor’s mind: shit why does he look so beautiful when he does that-) But Gavin realised he had no clue what to say. “Cause... Because...” His gaze dropped to Connor’s shoes. His voice was hardly audible when he spoke again. “I don’t know.”

Connor stepped closer. ”Then tell me.” The android’s voice was like when he said, ‘Then talk to me’ to Carlos Ortiz’s android in that interrogation a few days before the revolution. Gavin’s interest in the android had been peaked when he heard him speak like that. So calming, soothing, kind. Even though all of that was fake in an interrogation, Gavin knew he meant it now. The man swallowed and looked up again. Then Connor took another step closer. He was close, very close, less than an arms length. Gavin had to tilt his neck back slightly to meet the taller’s eyes. He knew he should back away, or tell Connor to. But right now all he wanted was to bury his face in Connor’s chest, or the crook of his neck. Gavin could smell him he was so close. Recently Connor had been using some sort of weird cologne that Gavin had no clue what was when he first smelt it, but right now he loved it, cause all it reminded him of was the android he loved. He always tried to block that love from his mind, now more than ever. But he couldn’t help but want Connor. He wanted to touch him, hold him... and by the look of Connor’s own dilated pupils, he wanted the same. Gavin felt his heart beat faster. If he wasn’t a fucking ghost, Gavin definitely would have kissed him by now, or.. something. Fuck, he longed to. He craved Connor, now more than ever. But he’ll never be able to touch him, hold him, kiss him. Gavin couldn’t stop the whimper, heavy with sadness, coming from his throat. He couldn’t stop the tears burning the corners of his eyes- fuck, he couldn’t cry, if his eyes watered too much they did that... thing. Gavin could practically feel the black building up, that’ll cover his eyes. But he couldn’t close them. Not when Connor was so close. Connor had been edging closer, leaning closer. Until suddenly the android’s eyes rounded and he blinked. “G-Gavin...” his voice was shaky, and Gavin was worried. He could feel Connor’s quickened breath on his face. “Your... your eyes.” Gavin’s own eyes widened and he shut them tight, stepping back.

”FUCK!” Gavin rubbed his hands into his eyes as the tears slipped from them, down his cheeks. “You didn’t... fuck, tell me you didn’t see that...” Gavin kept his hands over his face, and Connor could see his ears were a burning red. The android hadn’t moved, he had no idea what to say.

”So...” he cleared his throat, “I wasn’t seeing things?” Gavin let out an unamused grunt. Connor voice had been... confused. Concerned. But fucking fearful too. Gavin was a fucking monster.

”You didn’t see a fucking thing, okay, it was nothing, you fucking plastic idiot!” Gavin stormed out the bathroom blindly, still with his hands over his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun DUUUN
> 
> hecc hav i got y’all curious to what’ll happen next?  
> “Did i do it mom? are you proud of me mom!?”  
> hope you enjoyed. idek what this is literally just made up by my strange mind.
> 
> edit-  
> so i made a lil edit of Gavin with his weird eyes. Posted on my ig if you wanna see it!  
> instagram: gv2oo_gavin


	3. What Am I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is... confused, to say the least. He decides when and how to confront Gavin about his... about what he saw.  
> Gavin tries to keep calm, focus on his case. Then he decides to use his... condition in order to catch a perp. Gavin regrets this decision greatly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y’all makin me happy, thank you so much for the support!!! i love it all :’)
> 
> hope you like the extra lengthy chapter. I’m pretty sure none of the chapters are similar in length, but this is definitely the longest so far-  
> enjoy!

Connor watched as Gavin threw open the bathroom door and left. He was still standing in the same spot, still breathing quickly. His processors running a mile a minute trying to figure out _what_ he just saw. Intrigued, Connor had just stared. Stared as jet black formed from the corners of the detective’s eyes, right in front of his own. Being so close, he could focus on every detail. The black had clouded his tearful eyes, pupils shrinking into small white vertical ovals. It was like nothing Connor had ever seen before, it just wasn’t... human. Connor had just stared in shock before managing to say anything. And now he doesn’t know what to think. Gavin knows what happened. Gavin has seen it before himself. Is that why he was so focused on his reflection when Connor walked in? Is that why he took two weeks off work, because something’s happened to him? How did this happen? What caused it to happen just now? _What did I just see!?_ Hundreds of questions spun around Connor’s mind, and he was unable to focus on any particular one. Until he finally chose something to focus on as he calms himself.

Did this have anything to do with why no one could touch him?

Connor shook his head, he has no answers to his questions, so he did a quick search. It came up with nothing about it. As far as he was concerned, this was something no one knew anything about. Except Gavin. Connor came out the bathrooms after standing there for about five minutes straight. His eyes immediately landed on Gavin, sat at his desk. Face still buried into a hand, foot tapping the floor and knee jumping nervously. Whole body shaking with each breath; completely the opposite to how calm he somehow was when Connor walked into the bathrooms. Now, his stress was reaching critical levels of 86% and rising. This was not good, and Connor found himself really worrying for his colleague’s mental health. And maybe even physical, as he’d never seen anything like... _that_ before.

Again Connor found himself worrying for Gavin, as he walked over to his own desk. Connor had met moments like this before. He’d started thinking why Gavin could never sleep well. Why he always resorted to violence as the answer. Why he managed to repel most people. It was evident Tina was only friends with him to tease him, and she somehow put up with his ‘bullshit’. Chris had joined in. Connor had tried interacting with him more recently, after his... feelings became too affected by the detective for him to do nothing about it. Connor never understood what was wrong with himself. Androids calculated and found answers; but with Gavin he had what humans would call a hunch. He felt like there was more to him than just his aggression. He felt like Gavin wasn’t technically born with it, but it was created from his life, his past. And if that is true, Connor wanted to help him, show him someone... cared. Sometimes he would feel tight feelings in his chest when he was around Gavin. Sometimes he realised his eyes would linger on Gavin for longer than needed, lingering on his face and neck. Once he wore a T-shirt that hung loosely on his shoulders, leaving his collar bones in clear view. That day, Connor found himself staring at him more often than usual, eyes lingering on the man’s collarbones. He felt something... some sensation stronger than the rest when he stared that day. He’d been so close to reaching the realisation of what it was, until Gavin spotted him staring, and looked like he was about to shout at him, but then his face flushed and he simply walked away without a word, which had confused Connor greatly. With each passing day he’d grown more and more... drawn to him. Still, he couldn’t figure why. He just kept feeling sensations that no one else made him feel. And when Gavin left for two weeks... Connor could hardly stand it by the second week. He was restless, kept fidgeting, getting barely any work done. Hank had asked him what was wrong more than once, and each time Connor said ‘Nothing’ or ‘I don’t know,’ which was partly true. But he did know it was to do with Detective Reed. And just then in the bathrooms... something happened. Something washed over Connor. Suddenly he couldn’t take his eyes off Gavin. Today the human had been... different. Not his usual angry, closed-off self, but today more emotion had been showing more than ever. In the bathroom just then, he looked calm. He looked... beautiful, and Connor wanted to get closer. He felt a strange urge to want to touch him. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to kiss him. And now, as Connor walked back to his desk, he finally realised, all this time...

He’d been in love with Detective Reed.

Connor went and sat opposite Hank at his desk, sitting in his chair slowly, eyes never leaving the stressing man- if he even was one- across the room.

”You alright?”

Connor turned to Hank at the sound of his friend’s gruff voice. Their eyes met and Hank immediately focused on Connor’s face, so Connor looked down.

”I’m- I’m fine Hank.” How the hell would he tell Hank what he saw anyway, without sounding completely mad? Besides, Gavin would probably feel safer if no one knew. Connor wouldn’t blame him. The other thing bombarding his mind was the fact he loved Gavin. He blamed himself for being too stupid to realise sooner, but also he just wondered why he loved such an- well, what everyone else called him- an asshole. Even in his mind, Connor couldn’t bring himself to call him one. And he knew why he loved him, because he didn’t see the asshole everyone else saw, but instead he could swear he just... knows someone else is behind that shell Gavin’s built around himself. Connor wanted to break through it’s thick walls. Hank’s voice brought him out of his thoughts again.

”You are _not_ fine, Connor. Last and only time I’ve seen you look this shaken up was on the roof of Stratford Tower.”

Connor visibly winced and flinched at the memory. He’d really been trying to forget that one.

”Uh... Sorry, Con.”

”It’s okay, Lieutenant.”

”Don’t call me that.”

”Sorry Lieutenant.”

Hank gave him a look, raising his eyebrow. Connor, who’d been too preoccupied to fully focus on this conversation, looked up confusedly at the silence, and his lips turned up into a small watery smile, cheeks flushing light blue. “Hank,” he corrected, and Hank chuckled.

“I’ll only forgive you if you tell me what’s up.” Connor looked to Gavin again, and sighed. Hank followed his eyes. “What’s up with him?”

”Um... I don’t know.”

”You’re the worst liar, Con.”

Connor turned to him again. “I am?”

Hank chuckled. “What, you didn’t know?”

Connor was confused. “But-“ He exhaled through his nose and looked down. “Part of my programme was literally built for integration with humans. I should know how to use the correct tone for lying.”

Hank laughed. “Well now you’re just admittin’ you lied anyway. Maybe it’s cause humans don’t generally tend to like it when someone lies.” The man’s tone implied an unsaid, ‘ _neither do I’_ Connor looked up again to see Hank’s knowing smirk.

”But what if it’s important.”

”Is this important?”

Connor looked away. “...Fairly. It’s not really for other ears, for Detective Reeds own privacy, and his saftey.” Connor hadn’t really wanted to add the part about the other’s saftey, but he’d already spoken.

”Wait, what? Safety for what?” Hank sounded genuinely intrigued now, all smugness gone.

”It doesn’t matter Hank. I don’t even understand what’s going on myself, so how could I possibly explain anything to you?” That was mostly true, at least.

They kept eye contact for a long moment of silence before Hank finally sighed. “Alright. Just as long as whatever’s goin’ doesn’t get to you too much. I’m only trying to care about you, y’know. You can tell me anything.”

Connor smiled. “Thank you, Hank. I promise, I will if I need to.”

After that, Gavin was called up into Fowler’s office, just as Connor decided he needs to talk to the detective about what happened. He’ll pay him a visit at his apartment tonight. At the same time he tried to focus on his work; he could think about this tonight. But, another thought crossed his mind, and he couldn’t help feeling some... discomforting emotion when he thought it.

The man he was in love with wasn’t even a real man, he wasn’t human. Those gray eyes Connor had grown to love weren’t even his. Connor couldn’t get the sight of those endless black pits they had become out of his mind, nor the small, bright white pupils that seemed to stare right into his soul. Connor wanted to block this from his mind. But after seeing those eyes, for real, right in front of his own. He had felt like prey. And the last thing he’d seen before his death was the murderous eyes of the predator about to kill him. He was shaken up. He was scared.

He was scared of the man he loved.

”Reed! My office.”

Gavin was pulled out of his thoughts by the captain’s voice. He’d managed to get all the excess water out his eyes now. Holy fuck, he had thought, first five minutes back at work and someone had already caught a glimpse of what he really is. As Gavin got up and approached Fowler’s fish bowl office, he could feel Connor’s eyes boring into him. Gavin hoped he’d just be handed a case, so he could focus on that. His fingers kept rubbing together, he was on edge. He wanted to focus his energy on his job rather than stress, and Connor. But what Gavin really couldn’t ignore was the nagging feeling he was keeping something bottled inside, that needed to be let out. Gavin knew what it was; his... real self. But he never liked to let his thoughts wander to that. _I am a human,_ He thought. _That’s my real fucking self. A human. This is the body I’ve spent my life in. Not that fucked up shit..._ but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t block out the feeling of being trapped in this shell of a body.

Gavin walked into the office, closing the door behind him. He kept standing, close to the door. Simply because that just felt more... comfortable. Fowler was eyeing him suspiciously. Oh shit, this wasn’t just a handing of a case, was it. “Reed, do you care to tell me what the hell is the matter with you? I’ve seen everything from the minute you walked through that door.” he pointed towards the precinct doors. “What happened while you were away?”

Gavin cleared his throat. “I told you, I was sick. I feel like shit. I just... I know it’s stupid but I feel fucking weak and I hate it. I feel so defenceless.” Gavin silently prayed he lied well enough.

Fowler raised a brow. “You sure you don’t need more time off? You’ve got a lot of holiday left-“

”Look, Fowler, I can move, alright? If I can move then I can do my job. Will ya just leave me alone and give me a case?”

”Gavin, don’t. I’ve seen you. You aren’t sick, you’re scared, but I can’t imagine what of. You’re one of the most fearless people I know, and don’t take that as a compliment, cause it also makes you stupid. Don’t lie to me, Detective, tell me what’s wrong.”

Oh shit. Gavin just kept his eyes trained on Fowler. The prolonged eye contact and silence was making him begin to sweat, which wasn’t good. He had to say something. “Captain, I am fine.” His hands balled into fists behind him as he tried to calm himself. “I don’t need you fuckin’ babyin’ me alright!? I’m not a damn kid. And for your information, the reason I’m like this is pretty personal, so stay out of it.” He hissed, and Fowler finally seemed to give in.

The older man sighed and then handed him a file that his elbows had been planted on during the conversation. “Fine. Here’s your case. Whatever’s happened, just take it easy. Go on.” He gestured to the door. Gavin nodded his thanks and turned for the door. As he reached the handle, Fowler spoke up again.

”And Reed.” Gavin looked at him. Fowler’s voice was quieter. It was also comforting and kind, which was rare. “You work with the police, you know that. If something’s scaring you that the police can deal with, you tell us.”

Gavin looked to the ground at the thought. His memory flashed back to what he’d seen himself become, and he winced. That’s what he was. Eventually he shook his head. “This isn’t something the police can deal with. I wish it was. I wish it was that easy.” And with that, he left, ignoring Fowler as he watched Gavin from behind the glass. He knew it wasn’t the best choice of words. He knew it might just make Fowler suspicious. But he had to say it. He’d heard fear can make someone hint to people they’re scared of something big, even if it’s life threatening for others to find out. Maybe it was that. Though... he really couldn’t leave hints, as much as he wanted not to be alone. But he had to be. His condition forced him to be. Gavin sat at his desk, deciding to read the file and focus on the case. He needed a distraction.

A guy had been found dead in his girlfriend’s bedroom, at her house. She had been found and told of her boyfriend’s death, and they managed to get some information out of her. She had a husband, who may have found out she’d been cheating. He was a potential suspect. Gavin sighed; why would someone kill the man who their girlfriend cheated on? Can you really be that angry? But Gavin grabbed his jacket, remembering to bring his pack of cigarettes, and headed out. Anything to get away from the precinct, and Connor’s watchful eye, anyway.

When Gavin arrived at the crime scene, he was still on edge. He couldn’t keep his thoughts from drifting to what Connor had seen the whole journey. Once out the car, Gavin decided to take out a cigarette and light it. But as soon as he inhaled some, he felt like he was being burned by fire from the inside. He clutched at his chest, the pain was excruciating. He but down on his lip to stop himself screaming, dropping the cigarette and stamping it, trying to get as much air in and out of his lungs as possible through his nose. Shit, why hadn’t he thought to try this during his two weeks off?? He could see the mist rising from his skin and went back inside his car. Shit he was stressing out so bad, he just wished he was fucking normal. Gavin closed his eyes and tried to breathe. He turned the rear view mirror towards him, cursing under his breath when he saw his eyes had changed, _again._ Gavin watched as the black in them faded, pupils returning to normal once he was breathing slowly again, the mist disappearing. Gavin knocked his head back against his seat. Well, guess he was just gonna have to get used to this. _Just focus on the case,_ he thought, and got out his car, blocking his thoughts from straying any further from the case. Gavin walked into the house to find Ben near the entrance. “Hey Ben.” He grunted tiredly.

”Gavin? You’re finally back. And I was hoping you’d be gone for good.”

”Yeah, yeah, shut up, what we got.”

They walked through the building, upstairs to the bedroom as Ben spoke. “Well, if you read the report, that’s about it. Asked the girlfriend a few questions, she said her husband wouldn’t kill anyone and that. Forensics arrive and what do ya know, it’s his fingerprints on the knife. Sean Buckley, he’s called. No one knows where the guy is, though.” They reach the bedroom and there’s the victim in one corner, lying on his side on a bloodstained floor; Dan Kerry.

”Thanks,” Gavin mumbled half-heartedly, before crouching next to the body. He’d been stabbed in the chest twice, and the knife had also been sliced through his stomach, from about an inch below his belly button to his left hip. His guts could be seen hanging out slightly, and blood matted his clothes. Gavin felt like he should be grimacing, and disgusted by the sight. But for some reason he didn’t care. Yeah, he was a detective, but particularly gory shit (in real life, it ain’t like in the movies,) will affect anyone, even if they don’t show it. But he felt completely unphased. Gavin got up and left the body, not wanting to think about why it didn’t affect him the way he imagined it would.

The knife used had been thrown near the middle of the room, and a window on the far side was open. Gavin looked outside, to the roof the window lead to. He looked behind to see if anyone was watching (not like he cared. He didn’t. He definitely didn’t care.) before climbing outside. This was probably how the killer escaped, but Ben, the closed-minded moron, would probably just say it was open cause it might have been warm. In the middle of fucking January. Sure, Ben, sure. Gavin went along the edge of the roof, seeing a dumpster about three meters below where he stood. “This is stupid,” Gavin muttered to himself, before jumping down as quietly as he could. Which didn’t work very well, and Gavin cursed under his breath from the pain of rolling over on his ankle, but he steadied himself against the wall. At least he’s doing something, unlike the other officers. Gavin jumped off the dumpster a little more gracefully into the alleyway. He realised just how much more comfortable he felt while he was alone. Gavin had to admit it was terrifying to be around people. He’d just have to blink, or look away, and someone else might not be looking where they’re going and walk straight through him. Gavin shuddered at the thought, before refocusing on this. Gavin went left down the alleyway (right was blocked by a brick wall) and followed the path around a corner to the right. Then Gavin had a choice to go right or left; he knew this place like the back of his hand, Gavin used to hang with his friends here when he was a kid. Or, more often, he ran away from his brother and his friends here as a kid. Gavin shut his eyes and shook his head at the memory, wishing his past could just disappear. But, at least now he knew left only lead to a dead end, so Gavin turned right. Turning another corner (Gavin was thinking of just turning back by this point, he didn’t even really know the reason behind this) Gavin heard something. Someone, around the next corner, who was seemingly hyperventilating. Could it be their guy? Or just someone panicking? Fuck, the noise reminded Gavin of himself when he had a panic attack during his time off. Gavin turned the corner and the guy went silent and stared at him. Gavin recognised his face immediately; it was Sean. Gavin went to grab his gun from the holster, but he was too late. “Freeze! Detroit Police!” But the guy kept running, turning a corner. Gavin was thankful he knew this place so well; he knew where Sean was heading, and knew a short cut. He went back, looking for; there it is, the crate he used to hop over the fence on this side of the alleyway. Gavin climbed over and ran across the narrow grassy path between two rows of houses, which turned to the left, then right, then Gavin hoped over another fence. He turned left to see Sean. Before the suspect could do anything, even before Gavin could do anything, Gavin changed without his control, eyes going black and body translucent, outlines gray. Sean froze, staring in horror. Gavin narrowed his frightening eyes on him, approaching him with an aggressive stance. Sean stumbled backwards, eyes never leaving the man before him, and he tripped, falling. Gavin stood over him menacingly, glaring into Sean’s frightened eyes, mist trailing behind him and swirling around him. Almost as though Gavin was a predator, like a lion who used his mane to make himself look bigger; except it was the mist swirling around him. It had a daunting effect. Sean was already scared after he’d murdered someone through his anger. Seeing this was horrific. It was dark where they were, a canopy blocked light here. After a long, menacing silence, Gavin finally spoke, the depths of his black eyes and white pupils never leaving Sean’s wide blue eyes.

”You’re gonna come with me. You’re gonna remain silent. And you better not fucking lash out, or it’ll be the last thing you do, understood?” Gavin spoke with malice dripping from every word. It hardly sounding like him. What was he doing... Gavin had gone with what his body did, deciding to scare the guy into coming with him, cause he couldn’t touch him anyway. This was the only way. But the look on this man’s face was like looking at a monster. And in his shadow which fell over Sean, Gavin could see it wasn’t black, it was translucent, almost transparent. He could only just see the moving mist in his shadow too. But he tried not to focus on it. He tried to focus on getting this guy back to the other officers. Scaring him. Scaring the fucking life out of him. But for some reason, doing that felt... natural. When Sean didn’t move, Gavin slowly crouched down next to him. He could see his deep pools of deathly black with white ovals in the reflection of Sean’s eyes. Sean could feel Gavin’s soul bore into him, like he was being turned inside out by this... monster. “Get. Up.” Gavin’s voice was hardly a whisper. But it’s tone promised torture and pain if he didn’t do as he’s told. Sean seemed to snap out of his trance, nodding frantically, and got up shakily as Gavin rose steadily. He was shorter than Sean, but that didn’t seem to ease the man’s fear in the slightest, as he continued staring at Gavin. His skin returned to normal then, slowly, like it crawled up his transparent body, the mist going faint before disappearing completely. He looked normal now, except for his eyes, that stared into Sean’s a moment longer. Before he closed them for about 2 seconds. When they opened slowly, they were human again. They still glared into Sean’s, and his stance hadn’t changed throughout the... transformation.

”Wh-what... what th-the hell a-are you!??” Sean’s voice was low, sounding like a whisper hoarse with terror.

”You’ve seen what I am. You don’t wanna know what I can do. Move.” Gavin growled the order, and Sean immediately obeyed, hands shaking, breaths short as they walked down all the twists and turns back to the house. Gavin kept his glare trained on the frightened man the whole way. When they reached the scene, Chris was chatting to another officer just outside. They must’ve appeared recently, they weren’t around when Gavin got here. Gavin just hoped Sean wouldn’t say anything. But that didn’t work out.

Chris spotted them and recognised Sean from his photo on the report, coming over immediately after motioning for the other officer he was with to do the same. “Holy shit that’s our guy- why’s he not cuffed?” Chris asked when he came over.

”...Didn’t need to.” Gavin muttered, keeping his tone menacing in front of Sean.

Chris looked so confused. “Gavin, wha-“

”He’s not human.” Came a very sudden quiet, nervous mumble from Sean. Chris looked at him, eyes widened in surprise and confusion, Gavin’s narrowed on the terrified man. “Get him away from me.” Sean continued, voice wavering, as though he were prey being stalked by a predator ready to kill. His wild eyes darted to Gavin’s. They made eye contact as Gavin balled his hands into fists at his sides, posture tensing, and Sean stepped away and closer to Chris shakily.

Chris blinked in confusion, and decided just to do his job. “You’re under arrest for suspicion of murder. You have the right to-“

”He’s a monster! Get him- Get _it_ away from me!!” Sean’s voice rose now, silencing Chris. A couple other officers had gathered. This wasn’t gonna go well, Gavin decided, but for now he kept his eyes narrowed on Sean in warning. That didn’t do much though.

”Just get him back to the station.” Gavin mumbled, as quietly as when he last spoke, but his voice never wavered, glare never straying from Sean’s.

”...Gavin, what is he-“

”What’d I just say.”

Chris seemed shocked and confused by Gavin’s words and tone. He’d heard an angry Gavin, sure, but that was always because he lost his temper. Now he was menacing, cold, collected. Whatever happened between the two, Chris had no idea. Maybe they knew each other and had a bad past, or maybe something happened while Gavin brought him back. And what was with the no handcuffs? But for now Chris just wanted to focus on his job. He could think about being concerned for his friend after they got a confession and the paperwork done, so he did what the higher ranking officer said.

Chris continued stating the man’s rights, and the whole time Gavin and Sean never stopped staring at each other. When he finished speaking and took the man to the car, Sean tried to kick out at Gavin, but got dragged away.

“He’s a MONSTER! Fuck, do you hear me!? It’s a FUCKING MONSTER!” the troubled man shrieked, other officers staring at him and glancing to Gavin.

What had he done? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no misty boi is sad cause he misty boi.  
> Next chapter~ Con pays Gav a visit.  
> Kudos and Comments are much appreciated. Honestly dudes you don’t even understand how much ur comments mean to me :’)  
> again I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS AU IS-  
> (also remember to go check out my weird edit of Gavin for this fic over at my ig: gv2oo_gavin)
> 
> EDIT: i’m SO SORRY i haven’t updated for ages- the fourth chapter is in the making, but we had a storm recently which knocked my wifi out cold. it really sucks cause i need it to edit the next chapter, i used my data to write this but i don’t have enough for a whole chapter. As soon as I manage to get the wifi sorted, i’ll try update as soon as possible i swear ;-;


	4. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin has a stressful time trying to stay human when Connor visits his apartment. The alcohol and stress does not help. Neither does Connor’s beautiful fucking voice and cologne when he stands so close to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry—-  
> The wifi died a sad death for a long time, and I couldn’t work on the chapter for agessss-  
> we finally got a new one though, and hopefully chapters will be out more frequently again ^w^  
> I also kept rewriting this chapter, I took forever to decide how Connor’s visit went, but I know what I wanna do for all the rest of the chapters so hOpEfUllY i won’t have to keep rewriting anymore and the chapters will come out more frequently again!  
> thanks so much for the support in the comments- holy gee I never would’ve thought so many people actually like this fic-
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> At the end (It says so in the fic when it happens) there is a suicide attempt. By no means should this lead you to believe that I am okay with suicide, I am not, and I am not suicidal either. If you have suicidal thoughts/tendencies, please please please seek a professional. I know that’s what everyone says, but you gotta try it before you judge it.

_(Please make sure you’ve seen the updated tags or read the beginning notes before reading this chapter. The end may contain disturbing content.)_

“Detective Reed?”

Connor knocked on the door after a moment of silence.

“Gavin?”

Connor asked again. This time, he heard a smash of what sounded like glass, followed by a long groan.

“Are you alright Detective?” Connor asked louder, slightly alarmed.

”Connor? S’that you Dipshit?” Gavin groaned, muffled by the door.

“Yes, Detective. It’s me, Connor.” Another groan.

“Jus’... Just wait a minute, okay?” Connor nodded, although Gavin couldn’t see. He heard Gavin shuffling to and from places in his apartment, and eventually the door opened slightly. Gavin peaked through the small gap, a few plasters on his forehead, wearing a black tank top and gray sweatpants. “Why are you here, you fuckin’ scared me shitless” he mumbled through gritted teeth, which Connor guessed was because he’s in pain.

Connor found his greeting rather amusing, but had to force himself not to smile and focus on what he came to ask. “I...” Connor realised he didn’t really want to say why he was here straight away. “What happened?”

”When?” Gavin mumbled.

”Just now?” Connor rolled his eyes slightly.

Gavin looked away back into his apartment before turning his head back to the android, without looking at him when he spoke, “I er, I tripped ‘n... smashed a bottle.”

”An empty one, I presume?” Gavin smirked involuntarily and look away again. If he weren’t terrified, and if it was anyone but Connor, he’d most likely would’ve gotten angry. But this was Connor. With his ever so human sounding smugness in his already beautiful voice. How could anybody get angry at that, especially with the cute head tilt? But soon enough, Connor continued before Gavin could speak.

”And your head?”

Gavin stared at him a moment, then lazily waved a hand, trying to shrug the question off.

“You avoided the question...th’ fuck’re you doin’ here? M’ busy.”

Connor narrowed his eyes in suspicion. He’ll definitely ~~interrogate~~ ask Gavin about his head injury later. For now, he let out a breath and attempted addressing the, fairly... awkward? topic of why he was here. “I wanted to talk about... today. What happened in the precinct. In the bathrooms.” He spoke slowly, he’d rather keep speaking while Gavin decided what to say than let a long silence drag out between them.

It didn’t help much though. Gavin’s eyes rounded in what Connor presumed was panic, the detective’s breathing quickened.

”Try not to panic Gavin, I-“ Connor was interrupted by a loud meow coming from behind Gavin, who looked behind him and smiled slightly, stumbling out of the way. A small white cat strode through the gap Gavin allowed him, mismatched eyes glistening with excitement at Connor.

”Heyyy Jakey... give ‘im a pat will yer?” Gavin slurred, not making any move to “give ‘im a pat” himself. The cat hesitated before almost experimentally wrapping himself around the android’s leg, but purred loudly and pressed into him more as soon as he touched him. Connor smiled and bent down to stroke the small cat, but Jake was faster; as soon as Connor’s hand was low enough, the cat stood on his back legs to rub his head into Connor’s hand. Connor kept stroking the somewhat touch-starved cat. When he looked to Gavin, the human had also squatted next to them, looking at Jake through distant eyes with a melancholy expression. “...He’s very affectionate.” Connor hesitantly mentioned while looking back to Jake, but watching Gavin through the corner of his eye as the human seemed to jump out of his thoughts and rub his face with his hand.

“He... doesn’t get much attention.” Gavin muttered in response, voice sounding thick with sadness. Connor took a moment to process his words.

”Why?”

Silence.

Connor’s voice dropped to a hesitant murmur. ”Can you not touch cats either? Why can’t you touch anyone?”

Gavin’s gaze snapped to Connor, eyes narrowing slightly in annoyance, or anger, Connor couldn’t tell. But the android did realise he’d suddenly sprung the topic onto him, which judging by what happened at work was sensitive for Gavin. Connor was about to apologise for being too nosy when Gavin suddenly hit his head against the door frame in frustration, but the noise it made sounded... softened, almost as though there were a cushion in the way. Connor’s brow furrowed in confusion as Gavin covered his head from sight with his hands. His eyes were wide and darting from place to his place. “You shouldn’t be here Con, now’s really not the fucking time.” he sounded panicked, but so serious. Before Connor could reply (as if he even knew what to say) Gavin stumbled backwards into his apartment, opening the door wider as he got up and ran into his apartment. Should Connor leave? No, care for his colleague got the better of him. Scratch that, his curiosity got the better of him. Connor also got up, Jake immediately meowing again when he wasn’t getting any more attention, but Connor was focused on Gavin.

It was dark in the apartment. The only light was from a dim lamp by his couch. The blinds on the windows were still open, letting the silvery rays of moonlight cast into Gavin’s apartment quite beautifully. Connor had decided to wait a while before coming to see Gavin after work; he’d wanted to give the man enough time to get his own thoughts straight. But, judging by the worrying amount of empty beer bottles and half empty whiskey bottle on the coffee table, Connor concluded that had been a bad a idea. Gavin’s coping mechanisms concerned Connor. He went around a corner to find Gavin, who was trying to calm his breathing. He wasn’t covering his head from view anymore, but Gavin seemed stressed. The human hardly looked at Connor before he spoke. “Why- why’re you here just- jus’ leave me alone, please.” Gavin groaned, sounding almost desperate at the end. Although his words still slurred from the alcohol, Connor could hear the emotion in them loud and clear. Whatever had happened to Gavin, drinking clearly wasn’t helping him forget.

”...Detective, you have to tell me what’s going on. I saw... whatever I saw at work today, come to your apartment to see empty beer bottles littering your living room, you act like this and now you expect me to just leave?” Connor let the words soak in before continuing, “I only want to help you, Gavin. Alcohol won’t.”

Gavin looked up at him then. There seemed to be hope in his eyes, so Connor smiled slightly but encouragingly. Gavin couldn’t stop his own eyes from focusing on the way the moonlight streaked across the android’s face, outlining his sharp jawline, and creating that glint in his eye which was so beautiful, Gavin had to conjure up enough self-control as to not just melt into the android there and then. After a minute or two of staring at each other, Gavin sighed and walked past Connor, definitely counting that as a victory for his own self-control. “Y’know, yer could’ve chosen a better time to come talk to me than when I’ve... had a few drinks. I mean... guess it’s unlikely for you to find me when I’m not drinkin’. Now it is, anyway.” Gavin sighed. “I can’t actually ‘get drunk’ anymore anyway. No matter how much I drink my behaviour won’t change. Still sad as fuck.” The human clearly hadn’t been fully talking to Connor as he rambled, and Connor couldn’t completely understand what he was talking about. The android then noticed the pieces of broken glass on his couch.

”How did it smash?”

”Uhm...” Gavin stared at the broken peices too, and seemed to swallow before saying, “Just... slipped outta my hand. Fell on the coffee table.” That was a lie. Connor wasn’t going to give up so easily.

”There’s a very low possibility that the pieces would reach that far back on the couch is it hit the coffee table. Gavin, don’t lie, how did it really smash?”

”I just- nothing, I’m, uhm-“

”You threw it at the wall, didn’t you?” Connor accused. “You threw it at the wall and some pieces fell on your head. Is that right?”

Gavin looked at him. Gavin loves how hot Connor is when he uses that interrogation tone, but Gavin didn’t feel pressured. Because Connor’s assumption is wrong. But he’d rather let Connor think he did that and just had anger management issues (which was obvious anyway), than think he’d just gone completely insane if he knew what really happened. Gavin looked down and nodded slightly. “Fine, yer fuckin’ got me, robocop.” he muttered.

Connor had been 93% certain that Gavin throwing the bottle against the wall would be the case. But the sweat beading on the detective’s forehead, which couldn’t be because of heat because it’s cold as ice in his apartment (Connor only just realised as he checked the temperature now, and made a mental note to ask Gavin about it later), suggests his spike in stress levels. He’s lying! Again! What could have been worse to admit to in this situation, than throwing it at a wall out of anger, so he’d use _that_ for an excuse?? Connor was so fucking curious it wasn’t even funny. He really did hate emotions sometimes.

The android let out an irritated huff, going over to pick up the pieces. “Gavin, I said don’t lie. But if you really don’t want me to know whatever happened, I won’t... I won’t push you.” Connor offered reluctantly, but he did notice Gavin wincing when he realised Connor had caught the human’s lie. He watched as Connor picked up the pieces of glass, cupping them in one hand. Then he turned and hit the back of his head against a wall, managing to keep it together and... _human_ this time. When he drank a lot, that was a challenge. Hence why he’d smashed a bottle on his own forehead to check it was together, and y’know, his skin actually _existed_ before answering the fucking door. He knew it was stupid to use a bottle, but he’s drunk, you can’t blame him; although his behaviour won’t change much when he’s drunk anymore, he’ll still act on impulse and make stupid decisions that way. On the third try, the bottle had made contact with human skull instead of mist. Glass mainly showered over the couch, but he’d still cut his head and hands, not deeply though. Nothing a little band-aid couldn’t fix, though his head still pounded even now from that impact, and the ringing in his ears distant but still noticeable. That’s the third time he’s been hit in the face with a bottle, but the first time he’d ever been so happy it caused pain. Which sounds... messed up, but given his situation, you can’t blame him. He was just happy he’d managed to keep together, but worry then churned his gut as he thought about how much longer he could stay like this, in his human form. It took a lot of concentration after a lot of alcohol. Connor’s the last person he’d want to see what a fucking monster he is. He’s already seen his eyes. Hasn’t that caused enough pain to Gavin already?

Gavin snapped out his thoughts when he realised Connor had not only picked up all the glass but even thrown it away in the kitchen, and was now back looking worriedly at Gavin, like he’s expecting an answer. Gavin just stared dumbly.

”Gavin?”

”Yeah?”

Connor shook his head, confused. “I asked a question. You seem a little... out of it, as humans put it.”

”Was that your question?” Gavin really wanted this to be over. He wanted Connor gone as soon as possible.

”No... Why is your heating off? I turned it back on because-“

”You turned it on!??” Gavin interrupted, voice practically squeaking with panic.

Connor’s brow was beginning to ache after furrowing it so much with confusion. He’s just too confused to bother asking, he’d probably either get no answer or a lie. “Yes.” He answered bluntly, Gavin already taking off to where his thermostat lay against the wall in his kitchen, and turned the heating right back down again.

”’M low on money.” he muttered the pathetic excuse, made for Connor to believe _that_ is the reason for Gavin’s moment of panic, when Connor caught up and was by Gavin’s side again. “And will yer quit followin’ me and leave already?? Now just... really ain’t the time to talk. Next time call me first, dumb android.”

Connor didn’t take the insult personally, and answered simply with, “I don’t have you’re number, so I couldn’t have. And I cannot leave until we talk about—“

”I don’t wanna.” Gavin murmured. His voice was so soft, a human wouldn’t have heard. But Connor had sensitive audio processors. Not only did he hear what Gavin said, but he heard the way his voice trembled, as did his bottom lip, with fear. Fear that blazed in his stormy gray eyes, fear the passed through the smaller man’s body in the form of several shudders. Fear of something far worse than Connor could’ve imagined. Gavin steadied himself, putting his hands on the wall. “I don’t wanna.” he repeated, sounding just the same.

Connor’s thirium pump quickened, and suddenly his chest felt heavy with... with sympathy. And even his own guilt and sadness. He wished he’d been there for Gavin. Connor wished he knew how to stop those stress levels in this breaking man from ticking upwards. Yet, even though he was created for human integration and knew the best choice of words in an interrogation, or for comforting a victim’s family or friends; he had no idea what to say or do now.

A long silence spread between them, the only sound being the faint passing of cars three storeys down, and Gavin’s increasingly erratic breathing as they stood in his kitchen. Rays of moonlight flickered across Gavin’s face, highlighting every part Connor loved about it. He hardly realised he stepped closer to the human. He was right next to him now, mouth only centimetres away from Gavin’s ear as he spoke softly, eventually following his instinct. “Talk to me, Gavin.”

Gavin didn’t react like he should at first. He could smell Connor he was so close. He could smell that weird cologne. He could feel his breath against his ear. And in that moment he completely forgot what he was. He just wanted to melt in Connor’s affection. That sense of calm fell over him again. Gavin lost his concentration on keeping himself together. Suddenly he didn’t care, as if it didn’t matter. Absently, Gavin felt his hands thinning out, skin and bone melting into mist. Subconsciously he knew the mist would slowly spread over his body if he didn’t control it. But in that moment he didn’t care. His hands stayed by his side as he leaned into Connor, closing his eyes. Connor leaned closer, too. They were about a millimetre away from contact when Gavin’s eyes snapped open and he forced himself out of this trance and back to reality.

Gavin practically leapt backwards, in shock, in panic, he didn’t care but he had to get away from Connor, before the android went straight through him, before everything he’s made up of dispersed into a thousand gas particles. He forced himself to concentrate again, before Connor had the chance to look at him long enough to notice his hands and forearms. Gavin gritted his teeth, focusing on his hands, on reforming the human skin. But when this stressed, and this drunk, it was too difficult, so for now he just hid them behind his back. Fuck. Shit, he was so fucked.

Connor watched him as he jumped back, hardly catching a glimpse of his arms as he threw the behind his back with such speed it was a blur even to an android’s eyes. Gavin was edging backwards, and a statistic blinked next to him in Connor’s vision.

_Stress Levels: 88% and rising._

That’s bad. Very bad. And if there was a statistic for Connor’s confusion, he’s sure it would’ve reached 100% by now, but unfortunately he didn’t have that function. What a pity. Anyway, back to more important matters at hand. Connor raised his hands slightly. “Gavin, there’s no need to be afraid... I won’t- I won’t hurt you.” Connor winced at his own words. If Gavin actually thought Connor might hurt him... he’d feel horrible. Yes, he hurt Gavin in the archives once, but that was when he was a machine. Connor’s been trying his best to forget what he was like as a machine. When he went back to working with the DPD, Gavin had avoided him a lot at first. It made Connor feel... guilty, awful, and that feeling was bubbling up in his chest now.

”C-Con- I know you won’t hurt me. Fuck, but I- I jus’ can’t fuckin explain this okay!? Fuck-” Gavin hissed the curse out, making it sound more like ‘phck’ than the actual swear, just like in the interrogation room the first time they met. Connor remembered finding his difficulties in pronouncing the word amusing, but now he realised it’s something he does when he’s stressed. Connor loves finding out little things like that about Gavin, like all his nervous ticks. He just found them... cute. He noticed Gavin’s hands were still behind his back, shoulders tense and frame stiff, eyes shut tight most of the time. Connor was sure he only opened them to check if Connor had come any closer. He looked like he was stressed and concentrating on something, sweat beading at his forehead again. Although Connor couldn’t feel the cold, he knew it must be freezing for Gavin, who was just in a black tank top and dark gray sweats. How is he sweating, even if he is stressed? Connor doesn't understand. Gavin should be shaking, teeth chattering from how cold it was for all the android knew. Quickly Connor broke out of his thoughts and tried to think of an answer.

”Gavin... just talk to me. It’s alright, you can trust me. Whatever’s wrong... I just want to help.”

The sincerity in Connor’s soft voice almost made Gavin blurt everything out right there and then, but he managed to stay silent. Fuck. He just wants to be normal. He just wants this to stop, he hates this, he hates it. He wants to touch Connor, just a hug, just a fucking brush of the hands he didn’t care. He just wanted to feel someone again. “Con...’m sorry.” he felt the familiar heat behind his eyes. Fuck, he couldn’t cry now, no no no no no he couldn’t- “I need a moment” was all Gavin mumbled before running around Connor to his room.

Connor never heard Gavin enter his bedroom, but when he turned to follow him the bedroom door was closed. Yet another mystery. He sighed, leaning against the wall opposite the door. He’ll wait till Gavin is ready; he’s not leaving until after they’ve spoken. Soon enough he heard a loud, “FUCK!” accompanied with the sound of a fist against a wall, followed by muffled sobbing.

He approached the door slowly, knocking softly. ”Gavin please let me help... tell me what’s wrong.” Connor’s voice was full of emotion. This wasn’t just about his curiosity, he cares for Gavin and is worried for him.

There was silence for a few minutes, except the muffled sound of Gavin’s shaky breathing. Connor didn’t mind. He just stood back again, and waited. Eventually there was shuffling towards the door, and it opened slowly. Gavin stepped outside and closed the door. He kept his head down. “Gavin?” Connor watched him. The human was right in front of him, frame shuddering with each breath, fists clenched at his sides and head facing the ground. “Gavin look at me.” Gavin slowly lifted his head, only slightly. But enough so that Connor could see his eyes were still shut tight. Tears were streaked over his cheeks.

”Just... don’t touch me. Please.” Gavin’s quiet voice sounded. “I’m scared. I’m fucking scared Connor.” Fear. The human’s voice shook then, and it was higher in pitch. Connor felt his thirium pump stutter with sympathy again; he’d never heard Gavin sound so scared. It was like when he almost touched him in the precinct yesterday.

”...Okay, it’s okay Gavin.” Connor bent down to look at Gavin’s face. His bottom lip trembled slightly. “Just open your eyes.”

Gavin stayed still a moment before stepping back. “I can’t! I fucking can’t!” Gavin leaned on the wall beside his bedroom door with one hand, the other covering his eyes as he backed into the wall, sliding down to the floor, covering his face with both hands. “Oh fuck, I’m a goddamn monster.” he cried, sobbing into his hands.

Connor’s own eyes softened on him. The android had no idea what to do. He couldn’t help Gavin if he didn’t know what was going on. “... I don’t think that.” He eventually managed to say. “Show me, Gavin. Open your eyes.” Connor moved to sit next to him, as Gavin cried. The android didn’t betray the human’s wishes; as much as he wanted to comfort him, he didn't touch Gavin. “Please.”

Gavin attempted to silence himself before taking his trembling hands away from his face. His eyes were shut tight, but slowly, he finally opened them. He looked at Connor. Sat in pools of jet black, small white ovals stared into Connor’s chocolate eyes. Gavin’s voice sounded hoarse when he spoke. “Look at me. Fucking. Look. What the _fuck_ even is that!?” They made Connor feel... something. Something Connor knew was unpleasant. Those eyes... made him feel on edge. In danger. A danger he wouldn’t be able to overcome. He didn’t know what that meant. Did it even mean anything? Or is that just Connor? “What... what am I...” Gavin looked away, for a moment. But Gavin had to be sure. He had to be sure of what he saw. He turned to Connor again, the android seemed... frozen.

Connor wanted to help. He did. He really would, if he could, but he couldn’t get that feeling out of his systems. Why does he feel this way? Connor looked down at his own hands. They were shaking. He never shook like that, he was an android, one of the newest models, too. There’s nothing wrong with his systems, he’s not unstable... is he? No, he can’t be. But right now he doesn't think he’s ever felt so scared, not like this. 

Gavin noticed the android’s hands shaking, jaw dropped slightly in shock. And he couldn’t stop staring at Gavin’s eyes. Gavin had been right; fear is what he saw. Connor is terrified of him. Had Gavin done something? Was this his fault? The same happened with Sean, the perp he caught earlier today. Couldn’t stop staring into his eyes... what did they do to people? Gavin didn’t mean to scare Connor, shit he didn’t want to, but he didn’t know how to stop. In the bathroom, he managed to run away. They only locked eye contact for a second. But right now they both felt frozen in place. Gavin couldn’t speak, but he wanted to, he wanted to calm down his friend. Connor couldn’t shout, but he wanted to. He wanted to run and shout for help, but he couldn’t. Soon it felt like he couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was going to die. Was he? He did a quick internal scan. Only to find nothing. He sent the command to do the scan, but nothing came back. Now he really was scared and it was real. He felt empty, but full of fear. He felt tired, as though he’d been struggling out of an iron grip, when he’d been staying still. It took all his energy to do _something._ To snap out this trance. This horrible trance that locked him up. But, after attempt after attempt, he finally blurted something out. His voice was quiet as though if he spoke a decimal louder, he’d be caught. By what? “Stop.” he murmured. “Stop. Please stop. I’m- I’m scared.”

That voice. That voice snapped Gavin out of his own trance. He could move either, and was beginning to feel this urge to... well, he was about to find out when _that voice_ stopped him. The fear radiated from Connor’s words and overwhelmed Gavin back to reality. Gavin wasn’t frozen now, he moved away instantly and tried to blink his eyes back to normal. “Connor, fuck, what the hell-“ he shook his head, “I don’t know what happened, I’m-“ he looked up again at Connor. Gavin didn’t know if androids could actually go pale from fear, but now he does. Connor’s face had definitely paled. Wide eyes fearful. “...sorry.” Gavin hated it. Connor still hadn’t moved. “Connor?” He shuffled closer, he didn’t know if his own eyes were normal, but then-

“Don’t-“ Connor shuffled away. Gavin stared at him, disbelieving. Then he stood up, and covered his eyes. Connor stood up too, but shakily, continuing to back away. “I’m- I...” he stammered, before he ran, literally ran to Gavin’s front door, leaving the apartment, leaving the door open.

”Connor, wait!” Gavin chased after him, but when he reached the doorway, Connor was no where to be seen down the hall. Gavin felt his eyes growing watery again. Damn it he’s so weak but right now, he doesn’t care. Slowly he shrunk down to the floor, leaning against the door frame. “Fuck... I’m sorry Con.” he murmured. Connor had left him alone. Connor was scared of him. Gavin hit his face into his arms. What is he? A monster? A fucking monster... that’s what he is.

**—Suicidal thoughts/Suicide Attempt warning—**

Suddenly Gavin felt an urge he hadn’t felt in a long time. He cried into his arms for a moment.

_”Pathetic.”_

_”Weak.”_

_”Worthless.”_

Gavin got up and went into his apartment. He shut the door behind him, heading straight to the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror. At the water trailing down his frozen cheeks, though he couldn’t feel the cold. He couldn’t feel his own body temperature anymore. “Cause I don’t fucking have one.” he murmured. He stared into his own eyes. Whatever stared back at him... he couldn’t bring himself to bother describing it anymore. Finally, Gavin gave up on his concentration, opening the gates. He felt like he could breathe again as his human skin rippled away into mist, taking on a ghost like form. Free. He felt free. But hated it. The fact he wasn’t human. Gavin could feel his own shock and surprise melting away now, like he just didn’t care anymore, like this was natural, normal. Was he going insane? Because this isn’t normal. But he feels like it is. Each time he transformed into this state, he cared less and less, and felt more and more like his human form wasn’t real. That this body was real. That this is what he really is. But now, Gavin forced those thoughts out of his head, to be replaced by realistic ones. This isn’t natural. It’s not normal. He should be panicking. All he is is air, he’ll never manage to touch anyone again.

Then thoughts he hoped never to think again crossed his mind.

Why live? Why keep fighting through this problem? Why pretend to be someone, in this case, some _thing_ he isn’t?

Gavin went out his bathroom, mist trailing from him as he did. Gavin’s body ghosted across his apartment to his kitchen. He forced himself back into his human state to grab his gun from his kitchen table, going back into the bathroom. What he didn't know, is that Jake, the all-too understanding cat had watched his every move with careful mismatched eyes. Gavin looked into the mirror again. He’d forced himself back to his human form, though his damp eyes remained black. A reminder of the monster he is, the... thing that scares anyone who sees.

But his mind was numb now. Like his real thoughts and mind just left his body. He wasn’t thinking straight. He wasn’t thinking about the people who needed him.

The gun felt heavy in his hand. But his mind egged him on to hold it to his head. So, letting out a shaky breath, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGERRRR i mean you can kinda guess what’s gonna happen.  
> Or can you?  
> Anyway, I know this one was short. Was it? idek but it felt short. Either way, I will try to upload the next chapter asap~
> 
> Sorry about the constant changing in past and present tense. I literally just cannot decide on one tense to use. My brain (very annoyingly) doesn’t work that way.
> 
> Second thing I apologise for (well third thing if you count how late this chapter was,) I’m sorry if the changing between POV’s are a bit confusing in this chapter?? Again I couldn’t decide which POV to write it in so I did both x3
> 
> I am very sorry about the huge pile of angst in this chapter. I promise things only get better from here, as the plot thickens!! I’m actually so excited to write this, ideas just keep poppin up in my head, i got so much planned for this fic, so stay posted for updates!


	5. Light Bulbs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens in Gavin’s apartment after Connor leaves, after he felt his emotions overtake him.
> 
> Connor just had to run, had to get away, his instincts warning him of danger, telling him to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo so sorry for the late chapter!!! I’ll really try to focus soon and hopefully I’ll manage to get at least a couple of big ones out before the month is over!

Gavin’s eyes snapped open at the loud meow, pulling him out of his trance.

Yet it startled him so much he pulled the trigger, shutting his eyes tight. Waiting for death.

But it never came.

He heard the bang. The ringing in his ears from that bang being so close to his head meant he didn’t hear the thud of a bullet in his bathroom wall. Gavin’s eyes shot open when he realised he wasn’t dead. That was the first thing he realised. The second thing took a long time for him to actually realise. Even though it was the first thing he saw, right there in the mirror.

The mist. The mist had been displaced. Almost like hair would, when a bullet zips through it. The hair caught by the bullet would be carried along with it, until it reached the end of the strand. The mist was acting the same way. Gavin hadn’t felt a thing. The bullet had gone straight through his head, and now it seemed the mist was having a hard time getting back in the right place. Gavin felt his eyes getting watery again. From the pure shock of the bang, the awfully loud ringing in his ears, and then the shock that he’s still alive. Gavin felt his elbows of the arms leaning on the sink give in.

He couldn’t kill himself.

Gavin’s body started shaking, breath leaving him in pants.

He couldn’t _die._

”Fuck.” Gavin was tense enough already to stay in his human form. Only his eyes changed from the tears in them. Gavin straightened up again, trying to even out his breathing. It never even crossed his mind that... he couldn’t be hurt. No matter how hard the punch, no matter how powerful the gun... any attack would just go straight through him. That had been his body’s instinct. His head had instinctively turned to mist so that he wouldn’t die. What Gavin doesn’t understand is how the fuck he can still think when his brain isn’t even _there._

There’s just no explanation. No explanation for _any_ of this.

At first, Gavin had felt shocked, sad and almost scared that he couldn’t die. That he couldn’t... kill himself. Fuck, putting it like that really makes him feel guilty now. He turned around to see Jake, sitting in the doorway to the bathroom, mismatched eyes wide and fearful from the bullet, body in a defensive position. “Fuck, I’m sorry Jake... shit... why did I just do that...” Gavin knew his eyes were probably still alien. He couldn’t be fucking bothered to hold back the crying anymore so he let the tears fall, from his black eyes down his cheeks, as he sunk to the floor sobbing, breaking down. He curled up in a ball hugging his knees. All pride was gone. Drained. But Gavin didn’t care, he was alone. All alone. Pride didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. He was a monster, people were afraid of him.

Jake recovered from the spook; he walked back towards the bathroom warily. When he realised there was no danger, Jake stepped up to Gavin, wishing he could rub against him for comfort. Jake didn’t actually know what the gun was, or what it did. But what he did know is that this isn’t the first time his owner had taken the metal object to the bathroom, holding it to his head. After a few minutes, he’d collapse and make awfully heart-wrenching noises, ones all humans and animals understood as pain. Suffering. Sadness. Jake just sat next to his owner’s head, feeling helpless as not to give the comfort he needed.

Gavin just continued sobbing, crying out to nothing, letting tears fall onto the bathroom tiles. He heard Jake pad up to him, and sit in a ‘blob’ position next to Gavin’s head. The soothing sound of his purrs helped calm him a little bit, so he tried focusing on that, but it didn’t help. Everything else was quiet. No, in fact his whole apartment was shrouded in deathly silence and darkness, except for that one dim lamp, and the sickeningly bright bathroom lights. Gavin was all alone, right now he hated that. He couldn’t even feel the cold that he knew filled his whole apartment, just like the darkness and the silence and it was all to much Gavin felt he could feel the force of all three things becoming stronger, trapping him in. Gavin sobbed harder. He _hated_ this. He hated everything He hated whatever the fuck he was. He hardly noticed the bulb of one of the four lights in his bathroom begin to flicker. As Gavin sobbed harder, the rest of the lights followed suit, all flickering, the buzz of electricity getting louder. Gavin only noticed when the bulbs blew simultaneously. The sudden fizzle and crackle made Gavin jump, looking up and sitting up to see sparks flying from the bulbs and falling. The sparks were the only thing he could see in the sudden darkness. He heard a distant fizzle and crackle of a bulb in his living room too. Probably the lamp, it was the only other light on, but he could only focus on that for a second as he heard what sounded like every fucking window in the apartment flying open, the wind gushing in and the familiar sound of traffic filled his apartment. The rumbling growl of a stressed out cat sounded next to him. Gavin turned his head to Jake, checking he was okay, before standing up shakily, using the sink behind him for support. He stumbled into the living room. What he’d heard is exactly what had happened; every window had blown wide open, the light of the city below and moonshine above allowing him to see. What the fuck...?

* * *

Connor was simply driven by instinct to run out of that apartment, then out of the whole block. A horrible fear had overtaken his systems, telling him and his limbs to just _get away,_ as far away as possible. Almost as though his mind wasn’t present in his own body, but elsewhere, completely replaced by a sort of overriding program that just told him to run. He shuddered at that thought after he burst out of the apartment, finally slowing down. _Amanda..._ He hardly even managed to continue down that train of thought, or feel the shudder much anyway; he was still shaking with fear. He walked through the lot to Hank’s car, which he’d borrowed to get here. He still felt scared. His mind was back, but like any clever police officer he still decided to follow his instinct. So he turned on the car, and drove out the lot. Maybe he was a bit too fast, cutting corners a bit too dangerously. But Connor was scared. Frightened. Not much scares Connor. But right now he feels so jumpy and alert, that with the slightest noise other than the engine of Hank’s car, his eyes would immediately snap to the rear view or wing mirrors. Connor still felt like he was being hunted.

He was back at Hank’s house in no time, after breaking speed limits and cutting corners. The screeching of tires against tarmac as he came to a grinding halt made Connor wince. He stepped out and up to Hank’s front door in seconds, then ringing the doorbell. Hank opened it faster than usual.

”You alright Connor? You were drivin’ like a madman just then.” Hank joked, but his tone bordered concern. After work, Connor had told hank he wanted to check on Gavin after seeing him so panicked at work today. Which would have been fine, right? But no, he saw those eyes, endless pits that filled Connor with static he managed to define as a form of panic and fear, like he was trapped under that gaze, he couldn’t escape-

“Connor?” The concern filling Hank’s voice pulled Connor from his thoughts, gaze managing to focus on Hank again. His friend’s worried eyes were on Connor’s right temple- ah, his LED. Probably spinning red, no doubt. In fact Connor could see the bright red reflecting off the doorframe beside him. Connor would answer Hank, but he never opened his mouth, afraid that if he did only a jumbled mix of incoherent speech would tumble out, thus only succeeding in worrying Hank further.

The human seemed to understand Connor was suffering from inner turmoil too much to speak right now, seeing as he stepped back to let Connor in, without taking his eyes off of the troubled android. “Shit, son, come in and sit down, yeah?” All Connor could do was nod weakly. But as soon as he walked in and heard the front door close, Connor felt trapped; if he was found here, he couldn’t escape. He’s caged in. _But nothing’s chasing me, nothing will find me,_ he attempted to reason with himself, _this is Hank’s house, I’m safe here._ Yet the panic never subsided, his breathing never became even, and he stayed just as rigid and alert. He sat stiffly on the sofa, Hank sitting next to him.

”You gonna tell me what the hell happened?” Hank asked in an unusually soft voice. Connor shook his head, still unable to find words.

”Nothing h-happened, Hank. I’m fine.” The android lied blatantly. Hank groaned.

”Connor, you’re still such an awful liar for a police android.” Hank bit back.

Connor stared down at his hands, as he rubbed his fingers over his knuckles erratically. “P-please Hank, leave it. It... You won’t understand.” He muttered.

Hank was left speechless after that. They both just listened to the sound of faint whirring from Connor’s overheating systems and his erratic breathing. “Alright,” Hank finally soothed. “Just calm down son.” He placed a hand on Connor’s back to rub it, but the android flinched away so forcefully he almost fell off the couch completely. “Whoa, Con, it’s alright kid, okay? C’mon, deep breaths.” Hank murmured gently. Connor stared into his concerned blue eyes for a moment. This is Hank. He’s safe with Hank, Hank won’t hurt him. Connor nodded and shuffled closer to Hank, who wrapped his arms around the terrified android, stroking his back soothingly. “Shh, you’re alright son.” Hank murmured. They stayed like that for a long while. Hank started getting really worried when Connor simply didn’t calm down, no matter what he said to him. Sumo even came to help at one point; he’d sat across their laps, and licked at Connor’s face, who hardly reacted. Eventually, much later into the night, the whirring slowed down, and got quieter. His led stayed an angry red, and although his breathing recovered, Connor still had that terrified, troubled look in his eyes. “How’re ya feelin’ son?”

”...Better. Th-thanks, Hank.” Connor say upright again and facd him. He tried to smile but it was a poor attempt; it looked so forced and weak and broken, Hank winced at the sight.

”So... you plannin’ on tellin’ me what the fuck happened?” Hank asked impatiently, but the worry was clear in his voice.

Connor just shook his head. “No. I’m sorry Hank, I just... I can’t. At least, not yet.” He muttered the words half to himself. He has to figure out what’s happening to Gavin himself before feeding anyone any false information.

”Connor, if Reed did anything-“ Hank began, his voice hardly hiding a toxic layer of hatred for Gavin if he had ‘done anything’. But he couldn’t finish his sentence for Connor immediately snapped his head round to him, as he sat up straight,

”No, of course he didn’t!” He practically yelled; although his systems were fried from terror, Connor could still feel in his heart that he had to protect the detective. “He is a good man, Hank! When will you ever learn that!?”

Hank looked shocked at Connor’s outburst. He’d seemed so fragile and fearful mere seconds ago, and suddenly he was angrier than Hank had ever seen him. The older man cleared his throat, “Alright, Son, alright, just calm down, okay?” Connor tried to breathe in and out slowly, but his shoulders continued shaking, and he ducked his head, folding his hands against his chest as if he wanted to curl up. “Now tell me what happened. I ain’t lettin’ this slide.”

Connor knew it was a weak attempt. He knew he had 12% chance of getting out of this mess. But what choice did he have? “Hank, trust me, nothing-“

”Stop with the bullshit!” Hank snapped, making Connor flinch, “This isn’t a joke, Connor, this is not nothing, so what. Happened.” Hank emphasised the last two words, and Connor knew he’d have to come up with something, quickly, before the silence bled out for too long so Hank would know it was a lie. Perhaps he could say he got jumped on the street by android protesters? No, that wouldn’t work- both of them know Connor would be no where near this shaken up about it, and he’d have been able to defend himself easily. That made Connor think, what was there that Connor was afraid of? No wonder Hank was so worried. All he’d ever been afraid of was deviancy, but now he’s deviant, it doesn’t matter.

”Connor.” Shit. “If you’re tryna come up with a lie-“ he tapped his spinning yellow LED, “-then I’ll know you’re lying. Tell me the truth. Please, Con.” Connor let out a shaky sigh, opening his eyes again, which he realised were watery. He prepared himself to begin talking.

”A-as you know, I-I wanted to see Gavin after work. I... went to his apartment, and he... he was grateful I’d come, n-no matter how much he’d tried to hide it.” The faintest beginning of a smile played at Connor’s lips, before he continued, “B-but he was scared, Hank, his heart rate was through the roof, especially when I-“ Connor stopped himself, before continuing quietly, “When I... stood next to him. He leapt away. He locked himself in his room, and I tried to comfort him, but when he c-came out, h-he... I...” Connor trailed off shakily, distantly noticing Hank rubbing his back.

”It’s alright Son, take your time.” The sympathy in Hank’s voice made Connor smile and look up, making eye contact.

”I-I assure you, he did- he did nothing bad-“ Suddenly Connor’s voice sounded uncertain, and when he continued with a furrowed brow, he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than Hank, “No, he didn’t... he did nothing bad..?” Hank looked at him worriedly.

”This sounds... serious, Con. What’d he do? Did he... touch you?” Connor shook his head.

”No, no, he didn’t Hank, I swear.” He sounded slightly more level now. He was determined to defend his partner.

”Well what happened?”

Connor shook his head. “Please, Hank, just stop prying! I-It- I can’t explain.” Connor looked distant, before his whole body shuddered as his hands gripped the couch tightly. Hank held one of his hands.

”Alright Con. I think you should go have a rest. I’m sorry for pushing you so hard. Tell me when you’re ready, take as long as you need.” Hank spoke softly and smiled a relieved smile.

”Thank you, Hank.” He muttered before standing and stumbling to the spare room, which had been Cole’s old room, but Hank had managed to set it up as a place for Connor to go into stasis or as his own place to think. He closed the door behind him as Hank released a perturbed sigh. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one’s a bit short, i mean, i think it is. I have been so busy lately, i am so sorry for the huge break, but we’re back with another chapter.... hnnn it’s 5am i’m so tired rn  
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Another reason this chapter took a while is because I’ve been working on a couple other fanfics; “Scent of You” and “I Can’t Handle Change”, so if you want you can go check ‘em out :3
> 
> JULY 2020 EDIT: Scent of You has been deleted and I Can’t Handle Change HASN’T, but it’s s o r t a discontinued, only because I’m hoping to rewrite it. Atm I am focusing on this fic and Storm Clouds In The Winter, neither of which are going to be discontinued anytime soon, so go check out storm clouds if you haven’t yet!


	6. Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor’s not at work, so Gavin fears the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 of 2 chapters this month, as promised. In the comments of the last chapter tho.  
> Hope you enjoy! Mentions of suicide in this chapter, again. A very vague mention of torture to, but honestly nothing to worry about.

Gavin walked into work the next day with a hangover. Why did he decide to drink so much on a work night? Today would be difficult; he was hungover, as well as being even more tired from yet another night of no sleep, on top of trying to _stay human._ This was getting real tiring. And he couldn’t even kill himself. Gavin winced at the thought, guilt enveloping him. He shouldn’t _want_ to kill himself. But he was just so goddamn scared of someone finding out that it was becoming exhausting. Suddenly Fowler walked in front of Gavin, stopping him getting to his desk.

”You’re late.” The Captain stated.

”Yeah, I know. Sorry, Cap.” Gavin muttered, without looking up and meeting Fowler’s gaze. God even his voice sounded like someone who’d just been on the verge of suicide, strained and close to breaking.

Fowler squinted his eyes at the detective. “Gavin, whatever’s going on with you, it seems serious. It’s nothing the police should be involved with, right?” Gavin wordlessly shook his head, still looking at the ground. Fowler sighed. “Look, shall we talk in my office? You aren’t yourself, Gavin.” He lowered his voice slightly. “Tina spoke to me about what happened yesterday. We need to talk at some point.” Fowler’s voice was softer now but it didn’t help Gavin relax in the slightest. He looked up at him.

”No, Captain. But... how much did Tina tell you?” He muttered.

”Not a lot. She didn’t describe it in great detail but she seemed... perturbed. You’re sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Fowler spoke softly still.

”Yes Cap.” Gavin clarified more firmly. “Can I go to my desk now?”

Fowler sighed again and nodded, stepping out the way. Even though he stepped out the way Gavin still circled around him, keeping his distance. Gavin knows Fowler always means what he says. He will make Gavin come and see him in his office at some point. Shit, he felt like he was back in high school again, dreading whenever his next therapy session was. Gavin sat down at his desk with a sigh, turning on his terminal. He’ll just have to hope Fowler forgets, though he knew it’d be unlikely. People walking by gave him worried looks from what had happened the day before. He hoped Tina hadn’t spread the word everywhere about the interrogation in particular... But he doubted it. Tina wouldn’t do that. He hoped she was okay... Gavin sighed, trying not to focus on the past. Instead, he built up the willpower to look over at Connor’s desk; the android was no where to be seen. Gavin shuddered at the thought of that being his doing. Maybe he’d terrified Connor so much the android couldn’t even come to work. What if... the same thing happened to him that happened to Sean? Now he couldn’t help but think back to the interrogation that took place at the end of yesterday’s shift.

_Gavin walked into the observation room with Tina, dreading the interrogation. He was tired and pissed off at himself for making such a stupid decision on how to catch the damn guy, but he has to put up with this for now. Sean could be seen through the one-way window. He seemed scared, shaking. Tina thought it was just because he’d been arrested, as some suspects can be frightened, but Gavin knew the other reason._

_”Gavin.” Tina suddenly asked, standing next to him in the observation room, “Do you think there’s... anything at all you could’ve done, to trigger him into calling you a monster?”_

_Gavin stared through the glass as he shrugged. “Dunno, was probably just a bit too rough with him. I mean you can’t expect me to be nice to a murderer.” Tina rolled her eyes beside him._

_”You’re not nice to anyone, Gav.” She joked lightly. Gavin turned his head to smirk at her, seeing her hesitantly smirk back. Gavin looked away again and sighed. She’s still worried about him, and Gavin wishes she’d forget about how weird he’s acting._ _”Well, anyway, try not to be so rough in the interrogation, alright? We don’t need him stressing out anymore than he already is.” Tina warned. “Go on, Detective. Go do your job.” Gavin nodded, nervously shifting his feet a little before walking out the door, into the interrogation room, ignoring Tina’s worried gaze on the back of his head._

_As he walked into the interrogation room, Gavin’s mind suddenly went blank. When he saw Sean, all his fears and worries went away, only the task at hand in his head. He feels like a machine, and android not yet turned deviant. In that moment he knew he’d do what it takes to get answers out of this murderer. This murderer, the shaking man before him, who looks up at Gavin and says “Don’t you dare come any closer!” But Gavin walked forwards with slow steps, hardly hearing the frightened man. His movements are slow as he takes a seat, staring at Sean the whole time with cold eyes. Sean was clearly uncomfortable under his scrutiny. Something inside Gavin enjoyed having the power to make him feel uncomfortable. Small. Scared. While he looms over him. Gavin smiles._

_”You have a choice here. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.” He speaks with a soft voice until he asks, “Why did you kill him.” Sudden and strong. Sean flinched._

_”I d-don’t know what you mean.” Sean murmured, “I didn’t k-kill anyone.” He was curling into himself slightly, pressing himself into his chair, staying as far from Gavin as physically possible. It made Gavin’s smile grow, along with that... feeling inside him. The same thing he felt when he first caught Sean._

_The same feeling he felt when he saw Connor so frightened of him._

_But his thoughts didn’t take him to Connor. Not now, at least. Now he’s focused on his current subject, his primary objective. “I see.” He says simply, body and gaze unmoving. “You didn’t kill anyone. That’s right, is it?” Sean nods shakily. That feeling in Gavin grew more powerful. He felt the need to feed on this man’s fear. He could feel his other self begging to be released, begging to strike fear into its prey, but Gavin, both of the Gavin’s, know he can’t blow his cover. ~~Tina~~ A witness is watching. An idea formed in Gavin’s mind. He quickly recalls what corner of the room the camera is... behind him, to the left. He just has to face away from it and away from the witness is all. He smiles almost unnaturally in response to Sean’s silent answer. “So I see you’ve chosen the hard way.” Gavin whispers. Finally his stilled body moves in a jerk as he stands suddenly. “I know you killed him.” His voice is still quiet but dangerous. Like a predator. Like the Panther’s soft growl before the killing strike to their prey. “You just have to admit it. Tell me I’m right. So, Sean... am I right?” Gavin slowly makes his way around the table towards Sean, purposely dragging his nails slowly across it. Sean shifts in his seat, a small whimper escaping him._

_”Please... Please don’t-!” Gavin’s smile goes from ear to ear at the tears pricking the man’s widened eyes. He bends down so that his face is close to and just above Sean’s, who is cowering down. The urge is almost uncontrollable now, and he knows that from this angle his eyes are hidden from the witness and the camera, so he releases the beast._

_”Look into my eyes and tell me you didn’t kill him.” Gavin hisses like a snake, his hands spread apart on the table as his eyes change, the black shrouding out all the humanity of them as his pupils become white little lights. His eyes have the same affect as soul-sucking pits, like they can change a persons brain, drive their mind to insanity._

And that’s what happened to Sean. Well, as far as all the officers were concerned. He confessed soon enough while staring into Gavin’s eyes, and after that, as he explained everything; his jealousy, and everything that happened since he found out his girl had been cheating on him; he was distant. His fear had finally reached it’s brink, and after he was... nothing. He hardly sounded like he had any soul, or life. And when Gavin heard him acting like that... realisation had come crashing down on him. At what he had felt. At what he is. A predator that feeds on the fear of others. Tina avoided him after the interrogation and Gavin could fully understand why. Even if she didn’t see his eyes, she saw enough to understand that Gavin is no longer the Gavin she’s known and loved for years. Gavin broke when he saw the way she looked at him when she came into the interrogation room after he’d asked Sean enough questions. Her eyes were... scared and confused. He’d had to look away because he’d felt the monster in him stirring again... any sign of anyone’s fear seemed to make that happen. After she’d taken the criminal to his cell, she’d turned to Gavin.

_“Tina, I-“_

_Tina held up a hand. “Don’t, Gavin. I don’t know what the fuck you did in there, and I don’t think I want to. It wasn’t you, Gav, it didn’t sound like you.”_

_Gavin hated the tone of her voice. Not only was there so much confusion that he himself was feeling, but there was fear, he could practically smell it, and he hated the feelings it stirred deep within him. He literally felt... hungry for fear, he could feel it in his stomach and it was scaring him. His hand instinctively went to his stomach, and he looked down at his hand._

_”I know. Tina... Shit. I don’t know what happened either.” He murmured. He looked up timidly at Tina, but thankfully she didn’t look so scared now, but instead worried. She almost put a hand on his shoulder but Gavin flinched away just in time. Shit, he’d been so caught up in this fear shit he’d almost forgot about that completely. Oh fuck did he want some physical comfort right now. He whimpered ever so quietly with literal need for a hug and someone to talk to. Someone he could unload all the weight on his shoulders to, someone he could tell what he’s struggling with, his fears and what he is. But he knows he’ll never be able to tell anyone._

_”Gavin... Go home. Go cuddle Jake, and wrap yourself up in a blanket, try and get some sleep.” Tina advised, pulling her hand away. “You’re not yourself, and I think you need a hug.”_

_Gavin looked up. “But, the paperw-“_

_”You can deal with that tomorrow. Go home, Gavin.” She said it almost like an order, even though Gavin was the superior officer. Gavin sighed._

_”Alright, T.” He smiled weakly. Tina didn’t smile back, she simply nodded her head once and turned away._

And so he’d gone home, had a few drinks to try and forget about the day. He had hoped eating might satisfy his annoying hunger, but it hadn’t helped at all. Gavin seemed only to have a hunger for fear, and that thought made him panic so he got the whiskey out. None of his coping methods seemed to work anymore. He hardly felt drunk after everything he drank, it only proved making it difficult to stay human-looking when Connor appeared... Shit, Connor. Gavin remembered him. He remembered why he thought of the interrogation in the first place. Slowly, he came back to reality, the distant sound of a phone ringing in the precinct helped him stir back to the present. Connor. Sean. What if what happened to Sean has happened to Connor... fuck. Gavin remembered how Connor was driven by fear to run away from Gavin, who was trying to force down that dreaded hunger. Fuck. No, shit! Gavin started to panic, He gripped the side of his desk as his breath came in pants. He has to keep in control but his mind floods with questions. Has Connor gone insane? Can androids even go mad? Can Gavin even make androids scared in the same way he made Sean scared? Of course he can, he’s the one who caused Connor’s fear, but did he go mad? His grip on his desk begins to loosen... he can feel his body becoming lighter in his panic, he’s losing control. Then another thought helped Gavin calm down slightly. What happened with Connor was no where near as intense as with Sean. Because Gavin Gavin was too caught up in how wonderful and beautiful Connor is, Monster Gavin never actually took over the same way it did with Sean. Weight came back to his body as he thought about it. His love for Connor was like a barrier that stopped him from... from feeding on his fear. Gavin shuddered slightly, but he was calm enough to stay in control, he knows Connor will be okay. He might stay away from Gavin, but it’s probably for the best. Gavin sighed quietly in relief. But what if he had decided to feed? Shit. He probably would have locked him up in his apartment, torturing him for days, feeding on the fear that bled from the android in the form of tears, shakes, begs for release, begging for his life, thirium...

Gavin’s stomach growled suddenly, snapping him back to reality once again. He wrapped an arm tightly around himself to silence his stomach. Gavin’s eyes widened in shock and shame when he realised what he’d just been thinking about is what made him hungry. No, he’d never do that to Connor, he wouldn’t be able to. That’s why he couldn’t do it last night, right? He loves Connor. Shit, Gavin almost sobbed out loud at the thought. He, a monster, hungry for fear loves Connor. It’s clear Connor deserves so much better. He has to keep his feelings towards Connor to himself, for the sake of Connor’s fucking safety. He needs to do what he always used to be good at; hate Connor, be mean to him, to make sure he stays away from Gavin. He shuddered at the thought of having to force himself back to his old habits of being a dick, especially to the one he loves. But he has to, to keep everyone around him safely away from him. Gavin leaned his head back and tried to relax his tense muscles, but not completely, of course. Fuck. How can a man live like this? He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes at the thought of suicide. Again. And again he realises he literally can’t go down that path. Gavin decided to just clear his mind and try to focus on his work. His eyes lazily rested on the folder of paperwork Tina had left for him on his desk. He sighed and grabbed the folder, trying to block out his hunger, trying not to worry to much about his whole body turning into mist in the middle of his fucking workplace, trying not to think about the future, trying not to worry about Connor. He grabs a pen. He can do this. It’s easy.

Life is just so fucking easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Gavin.  
> Next up; More weird shit happens to him! Poor guy.


	7. We Can Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor recovers, and Gavin realises maybe his power isn’t so bad after all. Both end up feeling hopeful about the future...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said last chapter that more bad and weird shit would happen to Gavin. But, I figured the poor guy deserved a break, and a bit of happiness, since any normal human being probably would have already lost their sanity. So here’s a little something so that you guys will believe me when I say I won’t always be hard on Gav x)  
> Also i’ve been working on this chapter a while, I hope it’s not too bad~

It took two whole days for Connor to even come out of his room, and Hank had been worried sick the whole time. He’d taken the two days off work, and one time, late on the second night, he heard something he’d never heard before. Crying. Connor was crying, albeit quietly, so Hank quickly got up and went to his door. “Connor, I can tell you’re struggling. Please let me through, son. Let me help.” Hank said softly, but loud enough to hear on the other side of the door. 

A weak, “come in,” sounded on the other side. He gently opened the door and saw Connor; sitting on the bed, knees drawn to his chest, back pressed against the wall. Hank had expected a red LED like it was last time he’d seen him, but it was yellow. That had to be a good sign, right? Hank shook his thoughts away and prioritises comforting Connor. He sits next to him on the bed. The android’s LED was the only light in the room, casting a weak orangey-yellow glow that flittered as it span in slowish circles. Better than zooming red. Hank places a hand on Connor’s back, rubbing it while the android tries to stop crying. They sit like that for a few minutes before Connor finally looks up at Hank, cheeks tear stained and eyes watering, but a smile manages to appear on his sad face. Hank has to admit it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen, and he smiles back. That’s when Connor suddenly pushed into Hank, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face into his chest. Hank hugs him back, and hears a muffled sigh.

”There there, son.” He pats his back. “You’re alright, it’s okay.” Connor straightened up and quickly wiped his tears away on his hands, then stared at them like they’re the most fascinating thing on Earth.

”I-I’ve- I’ve never cried before.” Connor’s voice was quiet and hoarse, having not been used in two days. 

“That’s alright. Everyone cries at some stage of their life.”

Connor shook his head. “But I thought I couldn’t cry.” A sigh, “Nevermind.” He muttered while wiping his hands on his jeans. He looked back up into Hank’s concerned blue eyes. “I-I’m sorry for worrying you Hank. I don’t know what came over me. I was just... so scared the other day, a-and now something... changed? I feel myself again.” He tries to explain as best he could, Hank giving a slow nod in a sort of understanding.

”But why were you scared, Connor?” He asks softly.

There’s a pause before Connor speaks. “I.. don’t know, Hank. I don’t know.”

Hank watched him a moment before sighing and trying to smile. “We’ll figure it out. We’re cops.” Connor smiled back.

”You’d never be a good a cop as me though.” He teased with a smirk.

Hank laughed and elbowed him in the side. “Yep, definitely your old self again, Connor.”

Just at that moment Sumo came nosing through the door, whining. But when he saw Connor he woofed and jumped on the bed, half knocking both human and android over in the process. The huge dog lumbered up to Connor and licked his face, tail wagging.

”Bad boy Sumo!” Hank huffed at the same time Connor said,

”Good boy Sumo!” in between giggles from being licked all over the face.

”Connor, how many times, we’re supposed to scold the dog when it jumps on the bed! Do you really wanna smell this stench when you sleep??”

Connor frowned, “HE is a HE. And I don’t sleep, Hank.”

Hank huffed again. “Fine, ‘enter stasis mode’ then!” He joked, trying and failing badly to mimic Connor’s ‘robotic’ voice, which only made the android giggle more. Then Sumo barked loudly to get both their attention.

”I think he wants a walk.” Connor stated while he wiped dog drool off his face.

“Yep. You wanna come?” Hank said as he got off the bed. Connor nods and Hank smiles before going to get his coat and shoes, Sumo lumbering after him. Connor followed them, getting his own coat on that Hank had bought for him for Christmas. He watched as Hank tried to attach Sumo’s lead to the very excited dog, grumbling something along the lines of, ‘look, I can’t fuckin’ take you out if I can’t put yer lead on!!’ Connor chuckled quietly and smiled to himself. He’s so glad to have such a great family.

Connor looks to the future with hope brightening his heart.

Whatever's going on, he’ll help Gavin, no matter what it takes.

* * *

Gavin, however, isn’t having such a great time. It’s the same night, and he’s in his apartment. He’s only ever in his apartment. Pacing his lounge, Gavin is lost in thought. A feeling of genuine fear is beginning to grip him and he can already start to feel his control slipping, only proving to frighten him further. It doesn’t matter all that much because he’s in his apartment, but fucking fear is making this happen, and he needs to learn to control it when he’s scared in public otherwise his fucking life as he knows it will be over sooner than he thinks. Gavin fears for the people in his life; he fears for his own sanity. Who knows who will be his first victim if this hunger takes control of him? Maybe Amy, his closest neighbour (physically; Gavin’s never really spoken to any of his neighbours, but he knows Amy’s a sweet girl, since she’d tried so hard to be nice to him for a while until she realised there was no budging his abrasive personality and gave up.) And when will he go insane? When will he prey on people and feed? Gavin walks backwards into a wall and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. His breathing becomes closer to panicked panting as he tries to calm himself down, he tries to relax but he only panics further when he realises how much lighter he already feels. Overall it makes him feel calm when he’s his... other form, but a feeling of dread has started to weigh on him now. When he’s light as a fucking feather he feels like he can hardly control his own movements. Maybe his hunger could easily control him when he’s like that. He can already imagine it, the feeling of his very power over his own muscles and movements being stripped from him, as he only watches as his body moves on its own accord. He shudders at the thought and opens his eyes to look at his hands; and sure enough, they’re changed, translucent and ghost like. He walks (or floats) to the bathroom to look in the mirror, and he’s fully changed alright. Small, white oval pupils stare back at him and he can’t look for much longer than ten seconds, turning and sinking to the ground, leaning his head and back against the porcelain of the wall before half-falling straight through, catching himself clumsily and straightening himself again. The mist has dispersed for a moment, all coming back in the formation of Gavin’s body in a matter of less than two seconds. But in that short amount of time Gavin felt like nothing. He felt like air itself, without knowing where the hell his being started and ended. Gavin sighed and curled up on the tiled floor, one that would be freezing like the rest of the house if he could fucking feel it. He bets even Jake in his thick fur would feel the cold, and that thought makes Gavin feel selfish. He wants to stop thinking. He really wishes all of everything his mind offered him would go away. In moments like these he’d normally think of Tina, Chris or even Connor. But right now, people just remind him of the monster he is. He knows how both Chris and Tina avoided him yesterday. He can’t blame them; he had wondered for a fleeting moment if Tina had told Chris, but even if she hadn’t it would be unsurprising for Chris to avoid him, with how much Gavin had been avoiding everyone, fear written in his eyes. It must seem like he’s suddenly become deathly allergic to people, the thought bringing a dry laugh out of Gavin as he lay as a human-shaped pile of mist on his bathroom floor. And Connor... Gavin just tries not to think about him. He doubts he’ll be gone forever, but he’ll certainly avoid Gavin forever. Gavin’s torn between being happy or incredibly heartbroken.

Eventually he sighs and sits up on his floor. He stares at his hands, bringing one close to his face to inspect it. Strangely, the calloused marks and scars are still visible. The lines in his palms at still there, and the bones of his knuckles. It’s all still visible, just... grey. And sort of see through. He looks at the way the edges and outline of his... skin(?) seems to fizzle and fade away, making him all the more ghost like and floaty, especially when he moves. He drops his hand back onto his arm, the dulled slap of skin against skin not sounding, with him being made of fucking air. He glares at the tiled bathroom floor as though it’s offended him in some way. He hates it now. He hates the everlasting routine of an incredibly stressful day at work followed by more stressing and pacing and eventual worrying and spread of anxiety and fear through his veins which leads to him changing, then the glaring at himself in the mirror to the falling to the bathroom floor to the thoughts of depression and loneliness and death and-

Gavin shuts his eyes tight. He needs a break from his thoughts, the straining weight on his heart and shoulders. Focusing on the bud of tranquility inside of him, that appears whenever he’s like this, it begins to bloom. With it’s growth, fear and anxiety shrinks down. Not to nothing; it’s still there, fraying the edges of his mind, but it’s small enough for him to ignore for now. Opening his eyes, Gavin gets up off the floor and breezes away from the bathroom without even a fleeting glance at his reflection. He walks to his bedroom on silent footfalls, finding Jake curled up on his bed. Gavin smiles at the adorable sight, but it fades as he steps closer, realising the small cat is shivering in his sleep. Gavin’s not surprised; there isn’t an ounce of fat on his scrawny little body to keep him warm. Maybe Gavin should feed him more. Anger at his own selfishness swells within him and he immediately goes to turn the heating up, and decides to try and turn human again so he can go on a walk. It would be a nice change from being in his apartment all the time, and he needs to get more cat food and treats for Jake anyway. He dreads going to the store, especially considering what happened last time. He remembers the panic that set in when he first realised he couldn’t touch any human. Shaking the thoughts away, Gavin goes to grab his jacket. He’s calm enough now to turn back, and as he does he tries to keep the sense of peace fresh in his mind. It works, for now. Shrugging his jacket on, Gavin grabs his wallet, keys and phone, turns off the lights and leaves.

The streets of Detroit are cold. Though Gavin can’t feel it. His very being is freezing. His breath comes out as mist, that trails off into the air. Somehow his breath is warm, but his skin isn’t. He walks slowly with his hands in his pockets. Boots crunch against snow with each step, as he walks along the path lined with a few benches and a couple of bins. To his left there’s a forest with a park for kids to play at. He stops walking and stares at it a moment; his mind finally taking him somewhere other than his thoughts on what he is right now, taking his thoughts way back, to when Cole lived happy, Gavin and Hank friends. He remembers going with Hank and his son to the park, and Hank always loved the view. Gavin found himself agreeing as he stepped closer to the railing, looking over the quiet Lake Erie that looked black at this time of night. He breathed in deep the refreshing cold air, letting it out through his nose. Again, he couldn’t feel how cold it was, but it was calming. Gavin even remembered being friends with Cole. He’d never had a great past as a kid, and wanted to make sure Cole was happy. Maybe Hank had appreciated him for that. He misses Cole, but not nearly as much as he knows Hank does. The kid died shortly after his and Hank’s promotions; Gavin to Detective and Hank to Lieutenant. They’d celebrated and Gavin remembered... he remembered the way Hank looked at him. ‘I’m proud of you, son.’ He’d said. Something no one had ever said to Gavin. Not his drunken asshole of a father, nor his whore mother who only wanted to praise his half-brother. Hank made him feel appreciated. But of course, anything good in Gavin’s life has to come to an end. Cole died and Hank immediately distanced himself from everybody, staying away from work. Gavin was the one who’d visited him the most, tried to help him in any way he could. It was one night in a drunken rage Hank had become more angry than Gavin had ever seen him. He’d thrown a bottle at Gavin which had narrowly missed his head. Hank had roared and cursed at Gavin. The detective knew Hank was hurt. He knew Hank was taking it out on him because he was the only one there. But realisation had slapped him in the face that night. Realisation that, no matter what he tried, Gavin would never be able to heal Hank. Realisation that anything good that ever happens to Gavin will ever last. Realisation that... he should just stay away from people. They only ever tear him apart in the end.

He never visited Hank again after that night. Both men grew bitter, Gavin easily reverting back to how he was before he met Hank. In fact, he was even worse. He avoided everybody, got on with his work. Rebuilt his walls of thorns and was a dick to anyone who got in his way or even simply spoke to him. Only Tina managed to make her way through those walls when she joined the force, which was a few months after Cole died. Chris actually had joined before her, but had steered clear of Gavin. That was until Tina told him the asshole isn’t that bad once you get on his good side, and she invited Chris to drinks with them. Surprisingly Gavin grew to enjoy the other man’s company more than he thought he would. Soon enough the three became friends; Gavin the asshole, Tina the one who teased him constantly, and Chris the dad who would calm the two down whenever arguments got a little too loud for Chris’ comfort. Gavin became somewhat happier with the two being there for him. Though they weren’t the kind of friends he’d ever open up to; he’s never spoken to them about his past, nor his low self-esteem and episodes of depression, though they kind of picked up on those themselves overtime. Neither of them know who his brother is, and neither of them know how much he actually, thought he hates to admit it, misses Hank. Chris and Tina were only mates to banter or drink with; their relationship was nothing particularly special. Though he did grow closer to Tina over the years, and he’s always worried about one night where he vaguely remembers spilling some of his past to her through a drunken haze. He’s always worried about whether it actually happened or was just a dream, as Tina never brought it up afterward. If it had happened, he respects her for not bringing it up. He also doubts Tina is the kind of person to actually tell someone’s deepest secrets to others, no matter how teasing she is.

Then Connor came along, with the android revolution. In a matter of weeks, probably less than a month, the damn robot fixed Hank. It made Gavin livid, he fumed with rage while the robot was a machine, making even Tina and Chris stay away from him until after the revolution. He already hated the glorified toasters because his fucking half-brother created them. Then they stole human’s jobs, and he’d already hated having to stare at a fake person with a fake smile standing there as a ‘receptionist’, reminding him of his brother’s success and praise he earned from their mom every morning and evening when he came to and left work. Let alone a fucking _detective_ android, a threat even his job would be stolen someday, he’d be replaced by one of them. Fucking androids, he would’ve thought back then, oftentimes. However, he saw the whole revolution on TV. It came and happened in a flash. He’d watched the androids being slaughtered and something just... hadn’t felt right, even if the blood all over the battlefield was a different color, it was still marked the death of people who only wished for their freedom. But then another part of himself argued that they were just machines, that needed to be eliminated before they would one day rule the world. But when he watched as the leader and his girlfriend or whatever kissed, part of him understood why the soldiers were told to stand down. As their hands glowed white and blue, a sign of intimacy for androids he guessed, a part of him realised why the androids won the revolution. But when the screen flashed back to a reporter, he’d looked away and blinked, furrowing his brow, second guessing himself and becoming confused with his feelings regarding the subject as they fought with each other. It had been exhausting to think about, so he’d called it a night. Back at work, Connor slowly changed, developing his own personality. Gavin had found himself watching him more and more, thinking about the android, and again getting confused. His brow had literally began aching with how much he furrowed it after every time he thought about Connor; his confusion caused by the thoughts being actually nice, even affectionate sometimes. He even apologised to the android once, stammering and mumbling, without managing to meet the warm, brown gaze. Connor had accepted it and they were even. Gavin realised Connor smiled more. He looked pretty when he smiled, and he had an adorable laugh. He remembers the time Tina had surprised him by bringing the droid to the bar once on their usual Friday meeting. Gavin had stopped in his tracks to see Connor in their booth, smiling at him with Tina and Chris. That night had been... embarrassingly awkward, and Gavin doesn’t remember ever blushing so damn much ever before. But as he laughed and joked with the damn beautiful bot, (who’s adorable dumbness he found absolutely hilarious,) he’d realised he had a fucking crush on the android, and confessed to Tina and Chris in a panic the next Friday meeting. After that, Connor gave him coffee sometimes, and spoke to him like they were friends. Gavin could hardly believe the android was even speaking to him with that smile. He honestly felt he didn’t deserve to be graced with those beautiful features.

Everything had been good for a while, and finally, Gavin had felt truly happy.

Until one day he woke up naked on his bathroom floor.

Gavin decided to stop reminiscing on his past there. He blinked as he was brought back to reality; he’d been walking down the path, and by now was nearly at the store. Gavin found himself smiling at all those thoughts of Connor, Chris and Tina. He loved a fucking android. He chuckled to himself at the thought. If you’d told him a couple of months ago he’d be helplessly in love with an android now, he’d have laughed. Gavin let out a long sigh. He’d needed that. He’d needed to think about the people on the force who’s made him happy. Maybe he should... tell one of them. Could he tell Connor? He shook his head. “Fuckin’ stupid idea,” he muttered under his breath. Connor will be avoiding him now, once he gets back. That’s what he wants for the dumb bot anyway.

Gavin ignores the ember of hope in his chest that he’s wrong.

Finally Gavin makes it to the little 24hr corner shop, having taken the scenic route to calm himself down. The little bell above the door rang out as he came in; he looked around, noticing it was only him and the cashier. He knew her; a black girl who looked about in her thirties. He often shopped late, and that’s when her shifts were. She smiled at him and Gavin smiled back. By smiling I mean his lip twitched upward on one side awkwardly before he’d decided he’d had enough of the awkwardness and moved to the back right of the shop, where the pet stuff was. It was quiet, almost silent except the hum of the freezers. Gavin had a sudden urge to open them just to feel the cold cause it was fucking warm in here and Gavin decided to grab shit and get out _as fast as he fucking can._

Suddenly the bell chimes and it makes Gavin jump. He freezes at the sound of erratic breathing and out of sync footsteps, suggesting the man is looking around the shop, but staying on one spot. Instinctively Gavin hides behind the shelves, still at the back of the shop. He looked up at the security mirror in the top right corner; the guy who walked in was wearing a beanie and, as Gavin had guessed, he was looking around. This was bad and Gavin knew it; he didn’t even have his badge or gun with him, like the idiot he is he left them at home. The cashiers confused and small voice brought him back to the present. “Can I help you, sir?”

Gavin watched in the mirror as the man faced her and he looked shaky. Gavin swallowed as he took out a gun and the woman gasped fearfully as he pointed it at her. “Alright gimme all the money you got in that fucking machine woman.” She didn’t move for a moment, frozen in place. She must be scared to death and Gavin felt sympathy for her. He himself could feel himself panicking and that was not good cause there are fucking cameras in here and holy shit that just made him panic more. “I said fucking give it!” The man clicked the safety off his gun and stepped closer in an intimidating manner. The woman babbled incoherent speech and nodded, opening the drawer. Gavin was shaking himself, and could feel his body getting lighter and lighter... he couldn’t even breathe in a deep breath he had to hold it so he was not seen... _It’s okay, this is okay,_ he tries to reassure himself. _The guy will fucking go once he’s got the money, I know what he looks like I can inform Fowler and track him down tomorrow, he won’t see me, STAY CALM GODDAMIT_ Gavin’s heart still beat erratically even though he’d tried to calm himself best he could. He couldn’t focus on his thoughts with that man’s aggression coming off him in waves, Gavin could fucking sense it, coupled with the quiet sobbing of the terrified woman. He wouldn’t panic this much when he was normal, why does it take hardly anything for him to panic so much now!?? Maybe it’s because of that constant fear of being found out, the fear of the future and whatever the fuck would happen if anyone knew. If he turned now he’d be seen on camera, soon enough the footage would be found and the whole world would know there’s a fucking supernatural being in this world and-

Fuck. Gavin looked down at his shaking hands, he watched them slowly turn from skin to mist, starting at the fingertips. Feeling slowly drained from his hands and Gavin tore his gaze away. This is bad. This is what his nightmares are filled with. He thought everything was going to go to shit until-

“Is that it? Fucking shit! That can’t be it! What else is in there dipshit!?” He sounded angry, like he could have been spitting in the poor woman’s face.

”There’s nothing else I swear! That’s it!” She cried.

”I am not jokin’ when I say this woman! I will blow those fucking brains out of your head if you lie to me one more time!” He grabbed her hair on the back of her head and shoved the barrel into her forehead. “Give me, the fuckin’ money!”

Gavin felt something inside him snap. Like all his previous thoughts, his panic or being found out didn’t matter. His mind automatically worked out the best course of action to save this woman. Although the mist was practically begging inside of him to be freed, he stayed human for now, creeping down the aisle and suddenly coming out and turning towards the criminal.

”Get back and drop the fucking gun, now.” He hissed. He could feel it behind his eyes, the urge to give this man some of his own medicine; he wanted to make him scared.

The man shot a fearful glance at Gavin, obviously surprised by the sudden appearance of a witness, before glaring and pointing the gun at him instead. “Shut the fuck up, before I decide the both of you can die tonight. You think you’re a fucking hero, huh? Well you’re nothing. Just a pathetic scumbag who no one will remember for being a hero. You aren’t gonna save anybody tonight, except yourself from witnessing her death.” He chuckled dryly at his own stupid joke.

His words made Gavin angry and he scowled. The lights flickered. Gavin hardly noticed.

”Well go on then.” Gavin smirked, “I dare you. Please, try to kill me.” He outstretched his arms.

The criminal was obviously put off by Gavin’s confidence and lack of fear, but he smiled anyway. “Gladly.”

With good aim, better than Gavin had expected, the man shot him in the head without hesitation. The woman’s shriek sounded as the gun fired, and Gavin stumbled backward. Whether it was because of the force of the bullet still affecting him or just the common sense filling his mind that anyone would fall backwards when they’re shot, Gavin doesn’t know, but he does stumble backward. the lights flicker again, making a small buzzing sound this time, attracting the woman’s attention but for now, no one else's. Gavin straightens up again. He stares at the man and lowers his head slightly, smirking, heated gaze never leaving his eyes. Almost on instinct at being shot, Gavin’s body finally changes and he lets it. The camera is forgotten. Right now all he can think about is scaring the fuck outta this guy so he can save the cashier. His eyes burn for a moment as his built up anger and panic is released, eyes going black and pupils shrinking and turning white, smaller and more circular this time. His whole body turns to mist in a flash, becoming translucent again. After the change, a kind of pressure falls over the shop. It’s only light now, but it feeds the robber’s fear. Both the cashier and the robber are frozen, mouths open and eyes blown wide in shock.

”Care to try again?” Gavin’s voice isn’t his own. It’s like a hoarse whisper, and it seems to come from everywhere in the room. It clearly causes unease in the robber, who forgets the woman and faces Gavin fully. He shoots him another three times in quick succession, Gavin not even flinching and only walking forward on slow steps, as the robber shuffles backward.

”W-what the- What the fuck are you, f-fuckin’ freak!”

Gavin felt hurt by his words, but those thoughts are locked away for now. He could only focus on scaring the fuck outta this guy to save the girl, and that was it, any other thoughts blurred or cut out completely. He felt something inside him grow, something that made the room colder and the lights flicker and buzz louder. The cold emanated from Gavin, spreading throughout the shop, eliminating the central heating. Eventually the robber began shivering, Gavin only some feet away, as his gun ran out of ammo. He pulled the trigger again and again. Anyone in there normal state of mind knows that wouldn’t get any bullets back. The robber is scared, frightened so that his actions make no sense. It satisfied Gavin.

Gavin walked right up to him, smile widening and starting to look unnatural on his face. The man was terrified he shook, and threw his gun at Gavin. It went straight through him, he didn’t flinch at all. The man screeched in terror, shrinking down and cowering. Gavin loved being able to look down on him. All three could feel a building pressure and tension in the room, one that focused on the robber, bringing out his fear. The lights flashed erratically, buzzing becoming so loud and shine so bright it was clear they’d pop any second. Even the hum of the freezers and the fridges was becoming worse, the lights inside them buzzing and flickering too. All the noise dug deep into this man. Stripping him of his confidence and sanity. Gavin’s presence is ripping him apart from the inside, shredding him to nothing. Gavin could scent his fear coming off him in waves, and he bent down to the same level the man had sunken. He was covering his ears and sobbing by this point. He’d shut his eyes tight, not wanting to see Gavin. But something forced them open, like possession. Perhaps it was that strange pressure filling the room. Gavin was right in front of him, eyes intense, staring deep into his soul. Speeding up the tearing of his character, his emotions, taking everything away except his fear.

Finally reaching their limit, all the bulbs blow simultaneously, the glass doors of the freezers and fridges exploding and shattering everywhere. With the silence came a sound. Like a whisper, which sounded both distant and right up close at the same time. Gavin’s voice.

**_”Get. Out.”_  
**

It sounded nothing like Gavin.

It sounded alien.

It sounded like a _freak._

But apparently that was all it took for the man to scramble up onto his feet and bolt out the door, the bell chiming, the whispering noises cutting out. The room slowly started warming up again, and Gavin looked up, realising frost had formed in the corners, which was now melting. Glass from bulbs and fridge doors littered the ground. Gavin straightened up, and looking to his left, saw the cashier. The young woman looked frightened, but more shocked. For a moment Gavin was surprised, he would’ve guessed her reaction would be the same as the criminals’. But, then again, nothing he’d just done was against her. After a moment of shocked staring, and Gavin began panicking about what was going to happen to him- her expression softened. She looked at him with grateful, so so grateful eyes and a sympathetic smile. And in that moment, he knew. He knew she understood him. She was grateful he’d saved her life. And although fucking terrifying, like something out of this world, she trusts him. Because he’d done that to save her. He knows, because that time it wasn’t just to satisfy his ‘hunger.’ He’d been driven to do it to save this woman. Her eyes screamed ‘thank you.’ Her smile, soft and sympathetic. She understands he must be going through a hard time. Gavin thinks about the camera that saw everything. He thinks about how she could report everything about him to the police. But it all slipped out of his mind as quickly as it appeared, because he could just tell, without words, that she wouldn’t tell anyone, and she’d delete the footage. Her gaze promised it. Gavin felt his freakish eyes beginning to water. He smiles. It’s been a long time, since he’s smiled for real. Not the unnatural, monstrous one that spreads unnaturally across his face. No. A real, genuine smile. Because he’s so fucking happy, that the way someone has reacted in his nightmares, isn’t true in real life.

With a small nod, he turns towards the door, and leaves. No words had been needed. As he walks away from the shop, the crunching of his boots against snow increases in volume as the weight comes back to him and he’s soon himself again. His eyes are still black from watering but it doesn’t matter right now. He’s so fuckin’ happy.

Finally, Gavin can look at himself in the mirror, and not be so afraid of what he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, that marks the 2/2 chapters that i promised for this month! I’m surprised i actually managed to finish them. I’m gonna work on my other fics for a bit, but stay tuned for updates cause this is far from finished; i have a lot planned~  
> Also, happy halloween! If any of you are goin’ to parties, I hope you have fun :)
> 
> EDIT: Alright so i cannot be bothered and do not have the time to focus on 3 fics at a time, so i’m just gonna work on this one for a while. My other fics will be updated every now and then (i’ve done like half of the next chapter of I Can’t Handle Change and a bit of Scent Of You) but i’ll mainly focus on this one :)
> 
> 2ND JANUARY 2020:  
> ANOTHER EDIT: Alright everyone i know this thing hasn’t been updated in a long time but i’m back, and I promise the next chapter will be out soon!! it will definitely be out BEFORE JAN 6TH!!!


	8. Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Gavin have a (uncomfortable, for Gavin anyway,) chat about having a chat. Tina gets involved which cause more stress to pile onto Gavin, natural instincts making him hide from the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> I know what you’re thinking.
> 
> It’s been a while.
> 
> I apologise big. No I mean- I bigly apologies. Wait no that’s wrong too, I’m sOrRy.  
> I remember when i posted the last chapter I had hoped to do one or two in november and the same for december but... I was unmotivated, to be honest. Not just to write but just to do anything. BUT with newfound motivation, so hopefully i’ll be getting some more chapters :)
> 
> anyway, as for the chapter;  
> aaaaand we’re back to angst. Gavin in emotional pain. The usual. Yep, last chapter was a one off. At least he gets a good night sleep for once, but that also means he didn’t get to stay in his ghost form over night... (read to find out why that’s important ;) )
> 
> Anyways i hope you enjoy this long overdue, roughly 3,800 word long chapter :)

He wakes up slowly the next morning. For once in a long time, he’d actually managed to sleep when he went to bed last night. The sun filtered in through his blinds, and as he blinked awake he saw a small ball of white fur curled up next to him. He smiled down at Jake, who was sleeping and looked happy, since Gavin had finally got some cat food, though the situation was embarrassing.

_Gavin stopped in his tracks and the smile that stubbornly wouldn’t go away grew into a chuckle. He’d completely forgotten the fuckin’ cat food he’d gone to the damn shop for in the first place. He span on his heel and walked the few yards back to the store, ready to embrace the awkwardness of the situation. He opened the door surrounded in shattered glass, the little bell above him announcing his return. The cashier looked up from her phone, and she had turned on a flashlight, and the red emergency lights around the store were on too. She smiled but her brows came together slightly in confusion. “Uh, hey uhm… I actually need some cat food.” He mumbled as he made his way to the back of the store, still not making eye contact. One of the bulbs was still sparking, and there was smashed glass all over the place near the freezers at the back. He still felt slightly anxious from the fact he has this weird fuckin’ power to do that shit. He grabs a few tins of cat food and makes his way back to the front. He put the tins on the counter, hand automatically going to rub the back of his neck as a nervous tick. “Uh, can I get-“_  
_“You can take it, have it for free. The least I could do is give your cat free food for what you did for me.”_  
_Gavin looked up, and their eyes met. He smiled awkwardly, because that’s all his ‘smiles’ are these days._  
_“Gavin. Name’s Gavin, and thank you, er, miss…?”_  
_“Sylvia, just call me Sylvia. And no worries!”_  
_Her voice was soft, and smile bright. It made Gavin feel good. Hers wasn’t the first life he’d saved directly, but this time it… meant more. He’d been so fixed on feeling like an uncontrollable monster, even just thinking that made him sick and scared to his core, but today he feels more like a friendly neighbourhood… Ghost-Man? You get his point. He looked to the non-existant windows, “Uh, sorry about the glass, Sylvia…”_  
_“Again, I’d rather that than be, well, be dead right now. I’ll get them fixed, it’s fine.” She shrugged._  
_“What will you say?” Gavin queried._  
_“Uh, I could say it was shot?”_  
_Gavin nodded, thinking about how the bullets that criminal had shot at him probably went through the glass, so they might think it was those._  
_“Yeah. Remember to report that guy to the police. It’s late, go home and get some rest. You can sort this out tomorrow, alright?”_  
_She nodded, and turned off her flashlight, shrugging on her coat and grabbing her bag. “Thank you, again.” Gavin nodded, and smiled. When the left, they parted ways._

And Gavin got some free cat food.

Gavin walks into the dpd with slightly more confidence than before. Now Gavin isn’t dumb enough to get his hopes up too high, but he can’t help but feel a little better after last night. He can’t help but feel like things might finally start to be looking up.  
Alas, these things don’t always last. He stops dead in his tracks at the sight of Connor. He’s back? Already? Gavin starts to feel his heart thump. He doesn’t know whether he should be happy, or worried, or terrified. But when he saw who the android was talking to, his heart stopped. It was the cashier he’d saved last night.

”There he is! That’s him, right there!” She pointed at him, at Gavin, with enthusiam. Gavin felt his lungs tighten as Connor turned to stare at him, shock evident on his face. Other officers had heard, they were staring at him too, oh God they were staring at him, she told them, he shouldn’t have trusted her, he shouldn’t have trusted- - ! 

The panic must have been evident in his face and fast breathing because Sylvia’s features softened, “He saved my life.” She spoke a bit quieter. Their eyes met and Gavin felt panic slowly ebb away, especially as Connor began smiling— watery, but bright. A couple officers who had heard the full story smiled and clapped too, Tina especially enthusiastically and whooping. Gavin shot her a quick glance and smirk, though it was through pained eyes, and Gavin saw the worry soften her features and he looked away. He was grateful that she seems to have somewhat forgiven him for what happened in the interrogation, but right now he just wanted to get the attention off him.

“Yeah, alright it was nothin’ seriously..” Gavin knows that’s also unlike his confident and braggy self. This whole.. phenomenon has really changed him, he realised, realising that to everyone else he’s just suddenly turned shy and somewhat afraid.

“Well, I know you police officers do that sort of thing everyday, but it means a lot to me at least. Thank you, Gavin.” Gavin smiled, forcing himself not to cry right now.

“You already thanked me, Sylvia.” Before she could reply Connor interrupted their little moment.

“Why didn’t you call this in, or tell anyone, Detective?” Gavin was glad everyone around them had continued their day.

“Because... I s-sorted it out, I didn’t need anybody.” Gavin coughed around the lump in his throat.

Connor’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What happened to the robber?” Gavin shot him a glance. He knows Connor knows about Sean, what happened to him after Gavin brought him in... Can he not guess? Why does he have to pry? He looks away without an answer and Connor sighs, turning his attention back to Sylvia, “You’re free to go, Miss Oyekan. Thank you for coming in.”

Connor smiles politely, and Sylvia nods to him, but stops in front of Gavin who’s standing next to Connor’s desk. Gavin represses the urge to step back, just. He returns a twitchy awkward smile after she offers him a sweet one.

“I’m sorry, I know... everything must be hard for you.” She almost whispers, “I wish you the best.” And Gavin can’t stop it anymore, his eyes are watering and he shuts them tightly, forcing tears down his cheeks.

“T-Thanks.” He breathes, and she picks up her bag and leaves. Gavin doesn’t open his eyes to get to see if she looks back, but now he leans against the desk. This means he also doesn’t see Connor’s reaction of a furrowed brow, confusion twisting his features and his curiosity at Gavin’s situation is so fucking high the android can swear it hurts, physically. Shut up, that is possible now, according to Connor. The android suppresses an irritated sigh and instead wonders why Gavin’s eyes are still closed so tightly...

“Gavin? Are you.. alright?” Connor asks, no more suspicion, simply his caring nature and worry for Gavin.

“Yeah, I’m uh, fine...” He wipes his face but still can’t bring himself to open his eyes, just in case, “Just uhm... eyes..” After a short moment he hears a quiet ‘ah’ of realisation, and Gavin huffs a laugh, “sorry...”

Connor doesn’t really know what to say, but he does stand to stay in front of Gavin. The shorter man flinches backwards slightly realising someone’s in front of him, and automatically says, “Don’t touch-!” in alarm, albeit quietly.

“I know.” Connor almost whispers back. “No one’s looking Gavin... can you open your eyes for me, please?”

Gavin almost opens them anyway in shock, “W-what? But last time I- you-“

“Shhh, It doesn’t matter... just for a second...” Gavin sighs, and gives in.

“Okay...” They both stay still for a moment as Connor patiently waits and Gavin forces himself to look up and open his eyes to Connor’s warm brown ones. They widen ever so slightly in.. astonishment? The shock isn’t there anymore... Connor just knows now.. “Don’t l-look for too long...” Gavin averts his watery gaze to his hands.

“Gavin... I’m sorry for prying earlier. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. But, you have to tell me... I need you to talk to me. Whatever happened to you worries me, Detective, it worries me to my core, and I want to help.” Connor’s voice is so soft and smooth it’s like music to Gavin’s ears, but he looks back up in shock, tiny white pupils darting across Connor’s face.

“B-but- Connor, I haven’t seen you since... since at my apartment, and you, I, made you run away-!” Gavin chokes out the last word, taking a couple of breaths before continuing, “I-I don’t want to s-sc..”  scare you . Gavin can’t bring himself to say it, all the confidence from yesterday gone in this moment, as he remembers Connor’s terrified reaction to Gavin, and that predatory feeling the human had felt growing inside of himself. “Connor I- I’m sorry...” His gaze drops to his hands again. He looks to Connor’s hands, still by the android’s sides. His own hand twitches with the want, almost need, to take Connor’s hands in his own, just to hold him, feel him... Gavin suppresses a whimper, but that doesn’t stop his eyes watering even more and he shuts them, more tears spilling down his cheeks.

He misses Connor’s pained expression, the android bringing one of his own hands up to his chest, trying to rub at it in the hopes to relieve some of the pain there. He feels on the verge of tears himself, seeing Gavin so... sad, alone... broken. “I’m sorry too.” His voice is quiet, altered slightly by the static that comes from his throat, which he guesses is because of the pain in his heart. “I heard you calling after me... at the time I was so focused on g-getting away I found I couldn’t turn back, it was like instinct. When I got back to Hank’s I was, panicked. I don’t know what happened, but my mental state just changed. I felt in constant danger over the next couple of days, until the feeling finally went away, and I thought of you, I was overwhelmed by guilt, I thought you must feel so.. alone.” Gavin seemed to slump more and more as Connor spoke, but looked up with hope into Connor’s eyes near the end, before looking away again, remembering his goddamn eyes. “Gavin... We have to talk about this. I have to know what’s happened. Not now, but soon... when you’re ready. But, it would help you to tell someone. Please, trust me.” Connor attempted a caring smile but it was watery and twitchy with the sadness that twisted his insides painfully. Relief flooded his system when Gavin nodded after a couple of moments.

“Okay... I’ll call you, at some point...” But Connor shook his head.

“I want to talk in person, please.” Connor begged. Gavin sighed and, eventually, after some anxious face-rubbing and fiddling with his fingers, agreed.

“Alright, I’ll uh, message you to come to my place when I’m ready...” Connor smiled a huge smile of hope, and Gavin couldn’t help but allow a small smile on his lips too.

“Thank you Gavin.” Gavin looked down again, wanting to just cover up his face, but that would be more likely to attract attention than have his eyes open. Again his hands twitched, both of them this time. He felt something wanting to pull his whole body towards Connor, he wanted to hug him, and kiss him, and nestle his head in the crook of his neck... That’s all he wants.

“Fuck.” He swore quietly as more tears spilled out his eyes, “God-fucking-dammit with the stupid eyes!!” He huffed out in anger, putting his elbows on his knees and head in his hands.

Connor watched with worry creasing his brow, “Oh! um, here, I keep these on me in case I ever have to talk to victim’s friends or families..” he said as he took out a packet of tissues and Gavin shakily took it,

“You had a packet of tissues this whole damn time?” Gavin sniffed as he opened one, glaring at Connor for only a second.

“I, uh, I forgot I had them...” Connor trailed off with confusion evident on his face, and Gavin huffed out a laugh as he wiped his eyes and dampened face, with the tissue.

“Thought you androids couldn’t forget stuff? Or is this part of being human, huh.” He stuffed the packet in his jacket pocket and looked up at Connor, confusion knitting his brow, but his now dried eyes had finally turned back to normal.

His smile disappeared as he realised Connor looked very confused, staring at the ground in concentration, “No, androids can remember every detail of everything, and I normally can, I think... I can’t even remember whether I forgotten anything else in the past, and just then I literally forgot I had those tissues...” Connor looked worried and his LED span yellow,

“Con, are you sure it’s not just because your mind was focused on something else?” Connor nodded,

“My system would have physically told me handing you tissues would have been a good option if I... knew I had them, which I did, or at least, I should have...” His LED span faster as the android focused harder on trying to remember, accessing his memory files was proving difficult for some reason, whereas it would usually come naturally. When he did, Connor’s eyes rounded at what he saw and realised. “It really is like a human memory...” he whispers, LED going red.

“What?” Gavin asked in shock, “Con, what’s going on?”

Connor came back to the present and looked into Gavin’s eyes, his own filled with shock and confusion, “Some of my memory files have disappeared, they are corrupted. In simple terms, this means fragments of my memory are sort of in the back of my mind, like a human’s, I won’t be able to find them through my system. Like a human, those memories will disappear completely if I don’t remember them enough, and I also have no way of knowing what memories they are...” Gavin’s eyes rounded into saucers as Connor began breathing unevenly, “W- Gavin, what if this doesn’t stop, what if I can’t remember-!”

Gavin interjects quickly, “Hey, No, that won’t happen Con, okay? Calm down.” He spoke softly, getting up to lead Connor to the android’s desk chair. “C’mon sit down and focus on your breathing, okay?” Gavin knelt down in front of him as Connor closed his eyes and breathed deeply, in and out, a few times before opening his eyes again, this time looking saddened. Gavin thought for a moment before shock took hold of his own features, “What?” Connor asked.

“What if, this is to do with me?” Gavin muttered, “Just now you said your mental state changed, when you ran away and felt in danger- what if, I somehow corrupted your memory?” Connor looked shocked, but realised that might be right, since he couldn’t actually access most of his system during those couple of days,

“But.. but that’s- impossible! How could something like that corrupt data and machinery!? That was a natural element, it couldn’t corrupt data...” he trailed off as he realised Gavin was glaring again and Connor blushed slightly and looked away, “Well, n-not,  natural , but, it should have no link to a machine, an android’s data.”

Gavin shrugged, “I don’t know anything about it. Maybe it can just change the mental state of any living being...”

“That... if you’re right, that would prove androids are alive..!” Connor sounded joyful at that statement, but while Gavin was glad to make Connor happy instead of.. any other emotion, he was shocked.

“Connor.. you, uh, I know this might seem weird coming from me but, you guys  are alive. You of all people should know that, Connor, don’t doubt yourself.” Gavin rose to stand and leant against the desk with his arms crossed now Connor wasn’t panicking.

Connor sighed, “I know but, it makes me feel... stable, almost, to know there’s something which is almost proof we are, people, with souls... maybe your, uh, whatever it is has to do with souls..?”

Gavin shook his head at the absurdity of this conversation, this new information he has to deal with, he was beginning to feel uncomfortable discussing it in such depth. “Connor, souls don’t exist...”

“Neither did people with black eyes and white pupils, until now...” Connor muttered back, and Gavin flinched slightly at the abruptness of what Connor just said, the android noticing and regret filled his system, “G-Gavin I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“Con, I just, I really don’t want to talk about this right now, and not here.” Gavin accidentally raised his voice slightly and both of them blushed, red and blue, when they both saw other people stop and look out the corners of their eyes, some smirking at what they thought could be the meaning of that statement. Gavin sighed, irritated, and simply walked away while Connor watched for a moment sadly.

Gavin just made a beeline for the break room, he could feel his skin itching with the need to let his other self free as his anxiety picked at it from the people staring, the smirks and chuckles. Gavin rushes to shove a mug under the coffee machine automatically, trying to breathe deeply in and out with his eyes shut tight, the sensation calming only slightly, and not going away. He bit at his lip, worrying that this is because he hasn’t been staying as his other self for long periods of time lately... it makes him jumpy and agitated, and more prone to changing if he doesn’t focus enough. The coffee machine beeps when it finishes, Gavin lifting the coffee to his lips with a shaky hand and sighing contentedly after his first sip-

“So Gav.” It’s sudden, short and  way too fucking close,  that Gavin’s shoes screech against the floor as he half steps, half slides and half falls in the opposite direction to the voice, not only nearly spilling his coffee everywhere but choking against the coffee that he had  just swallowed,

“T-Tina-“ he coughs some more, eyes still closed, “Don’t fuckin’- do that!!”

Tina sighs after a moment and Gavin finally feels safe to open his eyes (though that time it took longer than normal) and looks to her somewhat shyly, straightening up, skin prickling more than it was before, muscles feeling coiled as though constantly ready to spring himself back. “Gavin, I  had  wanted to talk about you and Connor like we used to but... now something tells me the conversation wasn’t about.. that.” She paused and Gavin broke eye contact, “It’s about whatever the everloving fuck is wrong with you isn’t it.” Gavin flinches slightly at her raised voice, fingers fidgeting at his sides and trembling slightly,

“T-Tina, I really can’t talk right now-“

“Gavin you’ve been saying that everytime I talk to you! It’s time for that to stop.” She sighs, voice going softer but fear only grew in Gavin and tightened his insides more, “The only time you’ve spoken to me willingly was after that interrogation and... you weren’t yourself then. You’re not yourself now with how.. shy and jumpy and stuttery you’ve been, but then you almost scared me. Shit, this is hard, our conversations were constant banter before but, I care about you for fucks sake, and I want to know what’s stressing you out so-“

“N-no, Tina I really can’t talk right now..” Panic was more evident in Gavin’s voice than he had hoped, but his skin was now beginning to feel light and airy, though it wasn’t visible physically, (yet). “I promise, I will talk to you at some point soon, maybe, in a while b-but I-I really just need to be alone right now-!” Tina’s eyes widened at his weird behaviour before she narrowed them suspiciously,

“Reed, you need to calm down-“

“I’ll calm down if you leave-“

“Gavin I can’t just-“

“PLEASE.” Gavin yelled, he was physically panting unevenly now, he was in danger and everything in his head was screaming danger. Tina shut up then, she’d never heard Gavin so.. desperate. And fearful. What shocked her even further was when he leaned against the counter and slid down it, but Tina realised barely any noise was made as he did so... and he rested his arms on his knees, face in his arms as his whole body convulsed with attempts at getting breath into his body in his panicked state. Tina couldn’t possibly leave now.

“Gavin... just talk to me...” Gavin started whimpering as Tina came closer, crouching next to him and- rest a hand on top of his shoulder. What was unexpected was her hand.. didn’t seem to rest on anything, in fact it fell through his jacket, t-shirt and shoulder, her eyes rounding as they watched mist coming away with it, as if her hand had just displaced foggy air by going through it... “G-Gav.. what the fuck..?” She stared as the mist trailed from his body, up his arm and that side of his chest and back, Tina simply watching in shock and standing back as half of Gavin’s body faded into translucent mist. Before she could say anything else, Gavin rose his head from his arms, turning to look at her through watery, black eyes, with bright white pupils that stared into her soul. She stared into those eyes for a few seconds, the mist seeming to have a mind of it’s own as it trailed towards her feet in the form of long tendrils, as if it wanted to grab hold of her and eat her. Tina’s own eyes watered and she put a hand over her mouth as Gavin stood, half his body made of mist and his eyes dark as he stared her down and Tina turned and ran out the break room, she ran in fear. As soon as she was gone Gavin’s eyes widened, the tendrils recoiling suddenly and drawing themselves back to him as he gasped painfully in shock... he’d just stood there, stared at her, and had that same feeling with Sean, and Connor... hunger, he’d stared at her hungrily, like a predator, like the fucking  monster  Gavin is. He didn’t know what to think, or do, but he knows he won’t be able to change back before someone comes in here, so he simply walks backwards into the wall behind. It’s dark. Gavin’s never just stayed inside an object before. He passes through walls in his house loads of times, in fact he’s almost used to it... but now he feels so, completely, and utterly alone. And for once, he’s glad of it. Gavin lowers himself to the ground, inside this thick wall, and curls into a ball.

He doesn’t know, or realise, how long he stays like that for, in this dark silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Gav... things will get better.
> 
> Maybe.
> 
> More chapters coming soon, and shorter than the massive break between this one and the last one. I’ll try anyway~~~
> 
> ALSO, italics is REFUSING TO WORK pRoPeRlY, so yeah sorry but from now on there will be no more italics for dramatic emphasis. How will i cope. How.
> 
> EDIT: i posted this chapter yesterday and now looking back on it it’s just... bad. alot of this fic is bad tbh and i’m sorry, i’ll try and make it better... there’ll be some depressed gavin, scared tina and connor trying his best next chapter, it IS going somewhere eventually, i promise i do have alot planned for this fic. I just like to take a while to get to where things escalate, because if things go to quickly then this fic will be shorter than i want it to be. before it happens i want you guys to understand how connor and gavin are feeling, and a bit more about people going insane when gavin stares them down. man i have a weird brain. But yeah stick with me kids i have shit planned i swear


	9. Leave, for your own good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin’s life spirals further downward, Connor’s life spirals further upward, and Tina is just confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellloooo again this chapter took a long long time to come out.
> 
> PLEASE READ END NOTES FOR INFO ON THIS FIC!

“Tina, talk to me, I know something’s wrong.” Tina sighed as she put her belt, badge and gun on top of her drawers,

“I swear on it Soph, nothing is wrong, I already told you.” Sophia clearly wasn’t having it as she changed positions to leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, pouting angrily.

“I already know you’re lying, you would never say “I swear on it” and “nothing is wrong”, you’d probably be more likely to say something is wrong which is that you really need to get laid.” They both smirked at that but Tina’s was clearly half-hearted, eyes distant and troubled, only causing Sophia’s smirk to drop as she walked up to Tina who was trying to get changed out her uniform. “T, we discussed this. You promised you’d tell me if something bad happened while you’re on duty.” Sophia’s mischievous tone had dropped now, displaying nothing but concern for Tina.

“N-no, this- this isn’t like that, Soph.” Tina whispered as Soph froze in the action of running her hands up Tina’s now bare arms.

“Is this, to do with us?” Her eyes flashed a glance to their rings that caught Tina’s eye,

“No! Nothing to do with us, Soph” Tina smiled her first genuine smile of the evening and kissed Sophia gently, “I couldn’t be happier with my love life.”

Sophia tried to brush off the dusting of red on her cheeks by rolling her eyes (totally not to avoid eye contact) and laughed, “Stop being sucha sap T, something’s definitely wrong if you’re actin’ this weird, just talk to me.”

Tina shook her head and ran a hand through her lovers’ short brown hair, “Sophia I’m fine, why don’t you go put some coffee on, I’ll be out when I’m ready.” Sophia paused a moment looking into Tina’s eyes, her own widening when she felt Tina shaking in her arms,

“Fuck- Tina you’re shaking, you have to tell me what happened, no more lies.”

Tina sighed and turned away, bracing herself against her drawers. “Soph,” She began after a moment’s pause, “You remember that time I told you, G-Gav wasn’t himself, in that interrogation?” Sophia drew up to her side and nodded when she was in Tina’s view, “Well he’s... worse. Alot worse. Call me crazy but he’s completely changed, he’s not himself he- Soph he’s not fucking human!”

This is one of the many reasons Tina married this woman. Sophia always understands everything, even what might seem entirely impossible, because she believes in what her wife told her over the impossible, reality or fantasy, she’ll believe her. Like she does now. “...Not human?” Sophia put’s her hand over Tina’s shaking fist, “Tina, how?”

“I... don’t know exactly. He was, as I’ve told you he has been, terrified. But more so today than any other day. We were in the breakroom and I- I wanted to talk to him, but he was so afraid, he cowered and his eyes watered, I couldn’t understand why. I- know he clearly doesn’t want anyone to touch him. But today I tried. I wanted to help but also, I was curious.” She paused to inhale shakily, Sophia listening to every word. “I know this sounds crazy. But his skin wasn’t real... when I touched him, it came away l-like mist, gray like mist, and then he looked up at me.” Tears spilled over the edges of Tina’s eyes and she pushed her face into Sophia’s chest, Sophia holding her arms around her tightly. “H-his eyes, god fuck his eyes, they weren’t human... I felt this awful sense of fear and dread building inside me, I felt like a predator’s prey... After all my time on the job, I’ve never felt so fucking scared in all my life, Soph. He didn’t speak either, he just... stood there, staring. Sort of... i-interested, in a predatory sorta way. So I ran from the breakroom, before he could get me. I tried calming down in the bathrooms but I c-couldn’t, that feeling of being in danger never leaving, it still hasn’t for fucks sake. N-next thing I heard, he’d disappeared, no where to be found, no one had seen him leaving the precinct. I’m pretty sure I was the last to have seen him. I don’t know where he went...” She breathed in and out for a few moments, Sophia simply stroking her back soothingly, seemingly frozen, thinking. Tina looked up at her. “Soph, I know, I know it sounds fucking crazy but it happened.”

“I know. I believe you, T, besides, there was no reason for you to be feeling delusional at the time.” Sophia had sounded distant but then her gaze snapped to Tina’s, “I believe what you tell me, Tina, no matter what. I’ve told you this.” Sophia sighed then and took one arm away from Tina to rub her forehead. “Fuck... sounds like the description of a ghost to me. Should we call the ghostbusters?” She smirked, but when she looked down at Tina her eyes were still distant and slightly red. “T?” Sophia stood back slightly, looking into Tina’s eyes. “T what’s up?” She gave her a gentle shake but her wife seemed completely unresponsive. “Tina?” she spoke with more urgency, shaking her harder.

“Tina, talk to me!”

———————————————

———————————————

Gavin’s eyes opened only to see pitch black, as if his eyelids hadn’t even moved. Immediately panicked, Gavin sat up. He knew he was in his ghost form immediately with how light he felt, and the fact his head didn’t spin with the speed in which he sat up. And the moment he realised that, everything came flooding back; Connor, coffee, Tina, wall, loneliness. Gavin stood up shakily and walked forwards, not even knowing which direction he was walking. For a moment he just kept walking into more black so he turned right, coming almost immediately out into the break room. He saw out the window it was pitch black outside. The night shift is on, judging by the voices out the door. Gavin willed his skin to return to normal but, he can’t do it. Eyes widening and watering he keeps trying, each failed try filling him with more and more panic, making it seem harder and harder to even try, let alone succeed. “Shit,” he muttered, “This is what sleepin’ in a fuckin’ wall does to you Gav,” he mutters to himself, wondering what to do. It’s hard when half of his mind doesn’t feel like his own, and dark thoughts begin to unwind and come together there. He ignores the fear that makes his non-existent-but-still-able-to-beat heart pound faster against his equally as non-existent rib cage, trying to wonder where this wall would lead... he knows the precinct is on the third floor, and he tries to close his eyes and imagine a birds-eye view blueprint of the floor or map to think where the stairs might be, but it’s clouded by a haze of distant screams and distorted by that same need for fear, and Gavin’s heart jumps as his eyes snap open. He hates this feeling, he hates it with all of his ghost body, yet part of him... doesn’t. He hates that part of him and for the love of fuck why can’t his brain just get along with itself so he can actually get out of here, and THEN his two different sides can argue with each other!? Surprisingly, thinking that actually works, and he remembers the stairs are to the left from where he is. He walks into the wall again, careful not to step out incase it leads to the outside... wait, can Gavin die from falling? He can’t believe he never thought of that... but right now isn’t the time to decide whether he wants to die. Quickly he walks though pitch darkness, which is unnerving but he knows he can’t be hurt so he pushes on. Eventually Gavin exits the wall to where the stairs are, he rushes down the stairs to the ground floor before walking (literally) through the emergency exit door, breathing in a breath of fresh air that he can’t even feel against his non existent lungs. He’s out the back of the precinct, where he usually goes to smoke. At least, where he used to go to smoke. Gavin clenched his fists as he began walking through the alleyway to get away from the precinct. He pulled his equally as ghost-like hood over his head, to hide his face in case anyone was walking around (which was unlikely at this time of night), and walked the long walk home. He couldn’t turn back to human again, so he wasn’t going to risk going to the front of the precinct to get his car. Fuck, Gavin feels like crying. He is a translucent man walking down the street, mist trailing behind him, with eyes as black as the sky above him, dark thoughts swirling around in his head. Why, and how, did this even happen? Only a question he asks himself almost every five fucking minutes. He always tries remembering what happened, before he woke up in his bathroom, always tries to figure out his own brain, why it’s sometimes flooded with thoughts of torture and fear in others, why he’s overcome with some primal instinct to kill, but not exactly kill, just... control? Gavin hardly understands it himself, but he doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about the fact he can’t touch anyone, even his own fucking cat, he doesn’t want to think about what he looks like, the fact that he is a monster, that if anyone found him in this form he would be screamed at, chased after, captured, whatever would happen, it wouldn’t be good. And that thought makes Gavin walk just that little bit faster, always walking in the darkest places of the street, avoiding the streetlights as best as possible. Gavin’s pretty sure he’s practically invisible in total darkness, looking more like a glimpse of fog, a trick of the light, is what other people would think. It makes Gavin feels safe, but.. worse. He’s not human, and he hates that.

Gavin almost trips over his own feet at the sound of a door to a bar he’d just walked past, and then a group of laughing people who sound drunk. They don’t sound too far away from him either, and Gavin is scared so he walks faster.

“Eric, dude, I can’t believe you just said tha- woah, guys, hang on!”

“What?”

“Yeah what’s goin’ on Ryan?”

“Look! What the fuck is that??”

“Oh fuck yeah. It looks like a guy.”

“S’just fuckin’ fog, can we go? It’s fuckin’ freezin’!” Gavin wouldn’t know. Then he makes the mistake of looking back to see how far they are from him. And they’re so much closer than he thought. He sees their eyes all widen at the sight of his face, and suddenly Gavin doesn’t care about not being human anymore, he wishes he really was just invisible full stop.

“What the fuck..”

“It is a fuckin’ dude! What did I tell ya?” Gavin blinked in surprise as that person came out of shock pretty quickly and punched who he guessed would have been the guy who called him ‘fuckin’ fog’. One of them started walking towards him and he walked backwards twice as fast.

“Woah, man, it’s okay, you don’t have to be scared. We ain’t gonna do nothin’.” His words were slurred from alcohol but his face and eyes looked focused. Gavin shook his head.

“I just-“ He hacked up a few coughs, because his voice was not working, just another downside of sleeping in this form he guesses. “I just wanna get home, man, leave me alone.” His voice is still raspy.

The other guy comes closer and Gavin doesn’t step back this time. Gavin’s looking at the floor now, he doesn’t want him to see his eyes. “Well uh... I’m Ryan. That’s Jenny” He points to the only girl in the group who he hasn’t heard speak yet, “That’s Tom and Eric.” He looks back at Gavin, trying to duck a bit to see his eyes. “And you are..?”

“None of your fuckin’ business, I’m just a normal guy who’s tryna get home.”

Ryan pauses for a moment. 

“Hate to break it to you there man, but uh, you don’t seem all that normal to me.” A couple of laughs came from behind Ryan and Gavin decided he’d had enough. He looked up suddenly and glared at Ryan, who shuffled backwards a bit. “Holy fuck man, you’re eyes-“

“I know!” Gavin silenced him by shouting suddenly. “I know what my fucking eyes look like dipshit! I used to be normal but now I’m not and i don’t have a motherfuckin’ clue why, happy!?” His voice broke at the end and he could feel tears in his eyes, but what did that matter? and why? He can’t feel the cold, he can’t feel the very air he’s supposed to be breathing, he can’t feel his clothes against his skin, but he can feel his fucking tears. Of course.

Ryan has stepped almost all the way back to his group now, who are also looking a bit fearful. “I-I’m sorry man, I mean. It’s pretty clear you’re goin’ through a tough time, I didn’t think of that.” Gavin can’t handle seeing their scared faces anymore, so he mumbles

“whatever” and turns to walk away. But Tom? he thinks? jogs after him.

“Wait, man, sure you don’t want some company?” He sounds too cheerful and it’s annoying.

“I’m sure.”

“But I know we’d love to get to know you a-and maybe you co-“

“I said.” Gavin said suddenly, and much louder, stopping in his tracks and turning to stare into Tom’s eyes, “I’m sure.” Tom’s backing away into the wall of a nearby building and against his will Gavin is cornering him there, thoughts from earlier rushing straight back. “Scared, hm?” He almost purrs cruelly. He can hear his voice and it’s not his own, the words aren’t his own but his real conscience is too weak to stay in control now. “I’d hope so.” He steps right up to his face, staring into his eyes the way he did with Connor, with Sean, with Tina- “Go. away. For your own good.” Tom nods and immediately runs back to his friends. Gavin’s head drops as he hears

“Fucking run! He’s a fuckin’- fuckin’- I don’t know but he’s dangerous we gotta fuckin’ leave!” followed by a group of speedy footsteps that only grow more distant. But Gavin smiles. He’s not letting his brain take over. He’d said that. He’d managed to say that. Because he’d felt a want, a need to do more with that kid. A desire to capture him, take him to a horrible place, torture him to insanity, drive him to his own suicide. And now he smiles. Because he told him to leave. If he hadn’t fought his mind he knows, it was on his tongue, he would’ve said follow me. Follow me if you want to survive. And he knows, under his spell, Tom would have done whatever Gavin asked. Gavin’s smile drops though. That was too close. He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up. He doesn’t know how much longer he can keep trying. How much energy he has left. How long it’ll take to break him. How much it’ll take. Gavin sighs, shaky and hitched, and he knows his crying. But he continues walking. Slowly. Slowly but surely. He’ll keep fighting.

——————————————

——————————————

If Connor were human, he would be constantly picking up his phone in the hope Gavin had messaged him. But he can’t even feel hopeful, because he always knows Gavin hasn’t texted him, because he would know immediately. He’s sitting on the couch, stroking Sumo who’s lying across Hank’s lap, head on Connor’s thigh. Hank’s been glancing at him over and over again, neither of them focusing on what was on the TV right now; a film from the early 90’s called Cliffhanger that Hank had recommended. He put it on because he’d known Connor had loved Die Hard, which Cliffhanger is similar too. He’d put it on in the hope it would help Connor cheer up, but he can tell Connor is hardly focusing.

“You still worried about Gavin?” Hank says eventually. It’s best for Connor to get it out. The android looks up at him for a moment and sighs, eyes going back to Sumo’s head.

“I am. There was no sign of him earlier, remember? And he’s going through a lot. I’m getting closer to what’s wrong with him, but I’m missing a lot. He’s just... not ready to talk to me yet.”

Hank nods. “I always hated the guy, though, he had been getting a little bit better before all this. Even I’m sorta worried now though.” Connor’s eyes widen at Hank’s admission. “I can hate a guy with all my heart but I can still recognise him as a broken man. Something serious happened in those two weeks to change him this much. I know you know more than me, but I can tell that much. Connor.” Hank looks back to him and Connor looks up at the pause. “I understand what you know may be personal for him, and it’s not my place to know. But if he’s hurting you, Con, you have to talk to me, cause that is my business, whether as a cop or as a dad.” Connor’s jaw drops slightly in shock.

“...Dad?”

Hank realises what he’d said and looks back at the TV. He doesn’t know what to say, how to reply. “Uh, sorry.” Is all he can think of.

“Hank.” Reluctantly Hank looks at him again. Connor smiles. “I feel the same way.” Hank smiles slightly and shifts Sumo off his lap who reluctantly jumps off the couch and Hank wraps Connor into a hug. “I love you, dad.”

Hank can feel his eyes watering. Four words has never brought back so much nostalgia and happiness. “I love you too, son.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed
> 
> So, i MIGHT not continue this. i’m just hardly finding time to write which is annoying because i love writing this fic and i really wanna build up to the exciting stuff. As you can see in this chapter, more and more people are finding out what Gavin is because he’s losing grip on his other self more and more, and that’s kinda the way i wanted it to go, and then there’s like the reeaally good stuff planned for when lots and lots of people in his life find out, and connor has a huge part later on, and trust me i really wanna write it all but it’s so damn time consuming and it’s alotta effort. I will try to continue this, guys, so stay subscribed to the fic if u are enjoying it, but don’t keep your hopes up cause chapters, if they even come out at all, will be coming out slowly guys, i’m sorry. I will try though i promise because i love writing this fic even if my writing isn’t great heh
> 
> JULY 2020 EDIT: Welp, the paragraph before this was kinda depressing so read this. If this fic is discontinued, it’ll be a long time, and if it does I’ll make sure ALL of you know by making a whole new chapter called something like ‘Authors Note’ (but bear in mind an authors not could be something else, but it would most likely be notifying the discontinuation of this fic) so if you are subbed, to may as well stay that way. It’s July 2020 and I’m about to write chapter 11. I’m going to try making a more detailed plan so I know exactly what will happen with each chapter. I really am determined to finish this fic, which will take a while but I’m gonna try and keep goin with it and get it done before that determination runs out.


	10. He Needs Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally goes over to Gavin’s. He finds out everything in the most unexpected of ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m FINALLY back with another chapter. I’m so sorry. But, now that’s it’s quarantine and all, i’m gonna try get some more chapters out.
> 
> If you haven’t read the end notes of last chapter i recommend reading them, just to keep what I’ve said in mind, but I will keep trying to finish it. Moral of the story; when writing long chapter fics, plan the entire story in depth BEFORE writing. If any of do write or want to start, I’d say that’s a great tip lol.
> 
> And when I say in depth thats the important bit, because I wrote a very short shallow plan for this fic and I’m just about managing to keep going heh

Connor was in stasis, lying in bed when he got the call. It wasn’t a message, but a call, and he took a second to check the time before answering it; 2:37am. He sat up to speak.

”Gavin?”

No answer.

”Gavin, answer me please.”

Connor sounded more anxious than he had meant to let on.

”C- I- I I can’t, I can’t-“ Gavin stuttered breathlessly.

”Slow down, take a breath and talk to me.”

After a moment of silence he heard a quiet, broken sob, and what was said next was quiet, but so thick with dangerously negative emotions that Connor felt like daggers were sticking into his thirium pump.

”I- Fuck. I’ve been t-trying to call you and it’s just- it’s so fuckin, fuckin hard, I can’t control it anymore and I dunno why I’m- Fuck! Why the fuck am I like this, why do I have these thoughts and feelings, why do I look like, Fuck, shit, Connor I- I fucking need you I can’t do this alone.” Or at least that’s what Connor managed to translate it to. To any human, it would have been too incoherent, quiet and fast to recognise. His voice was thick with emotion, he was out of breath and hyperventilating, and it _hurt._

”Gavin, calm down, try to breathe. I’m going to end the call now-“

”Don’t go.”

Connor was taken aback by what Gavin whispered. Instead of a sign of desperation, begging Connor to continue talking... It sounded more like a warning, like the android was in danger. “Gavin... I’m going to come over, it’s okay-“

“NO!” he screeched, a very sudden switch from his anxious, quiet voice. “Don’t go! Don’t go!” Was all he seemed able to say. Connor decides he’ll just have to get there as quickly as possible. He’d been changing into some dark jeans and a white t-shirt saying ‘I am alive’ on it, then throwing a black jacket on, all clothes that Hank had bought him, while calling Gavin. He opened his door to see a very sleepy Hank coming out of his bedroom.

“I’m coming over now, Gavin.” He ended the call before Gavin could scream at him anymore. “Hank, can I-“

”What the fuck-“

”-Take your car?”

”-was that all about?”

Connor and Hank looked at eachother expectantly for an answer, neither of them wanting to go first. Connor eventually gave in with a sigh. “Gavin seems very distressed and I need to go over to him.”

”Connor...”

”What?” Connor snapped, knowing what Hank will say next.

”Last time you went to see him you practically went insane! And I think that memory thing has something to do with it as well. I just don’t want you putting yourself in anymore danger.”

Connor looked down at the floor for a moment. His ‘memory loss’ hasn’t only happened that one time with Gavin, but another time at work when he completely forgot to file some evidence, just leaving on his desk dumbly, and once at home when Hank had been talking to him about Cole. Hank had been talking to him about their time at a fairground, saying he’d met an android named Jerry, and Connor had exclaimed ‘he met Jerry?’ because he remembered seeing a lot of those androids during the revolution. Hank had turned to him with a confused expression on his face, saying, ‘Connor, I already told you that before.’ And Connor had looked away, fingers toying with the legs of his jeans anxiously. ‘oh’ he said, ‘I.. had forgotten.’ It was then he told Hank about his memory loss. Connor had been used to his system giving him his tasks he has to complete (such as with forgetting the evidence) and he’s also used to memory files about a particular topic being brought up automatically in the background, such as Cole had met Jerry. But now, instructions were completely gone, and he hadn’t noticed until he didn’t give the tissues to Gavin simply because the information entered his brain itself. But now he has to think of tasks and set them manually, causing him some distress because sooner or later, the impact of that on his job will become obvious to anyone in the precinct who asks him about something, because he’ll take longer to answer. He had explained all of this to Hank who had then asked him, ‘and since when has this been goin’ on?’ to which Connor reluctantly answered, ‘since I came back from shock after going to see Gavin.’

“I know that,” Connor answered, coming back to the present, “But his well-being is more important than a little memory loss.”

Hank sighs dramatically, “Connor, you aren’t getting the point. I don’t know what the fuck is up with Gavin and I don’t know what he did to you, but he may do more damage if you go again.”

“I don’t understand him either! But he’s in danger of himself. I know he’s been distressed recently and I- I can’t deal with it, I really can’t, he means a lot to me and I just want to understand, so I can make him happy again. I’m worried he’ll... start doing what you did. What he did last time wasn’t on purpose. He was so guilty about it when I talked to him at work. He seemed lost. I don’t think he understands himself either, but he knows more than I do and I want to get to the bottom of this.”

Hank leaned back against the wall of the hallway and crossed his arms, “I don’t know if you remember, but he was a fucking dick to you. Gavin never cared about you, Connor, he’s just using you. It’s what he does. He’s using you as a fucking shoulder to cry on, manipulating you into thinking he’s going through shit, convincing you he needs you specifically.” Hank’s voice lowered, “He doesn’t. He’s just dragging you down with him.”

“Gavin is a good man!” Connor didn’t hesitate, yelling his response the moment Hank finished speaking, stepping up to the taller man. “I’m not going to let you stand in the way of that. You’re the one manipulating me, not him!”

“He’s a broken man, Connor! You can’t fix him.” Hank shouted back, Connor beginning to walk through the hallway and pace around the kitchen instead, trying to release his built up adrenaline for something other than punching Hank in the nose. In the back of his mind he hates having ever had that thought, but right now he’s too worked up and too worried about Gavin to think about it.

“He doesn’t need ‘fixing’, Hank! He just needs me. And before you say anything I know he needs me! Me specifically! He does care about me, Hank, and I care about him too! He’s just going through something right now-“

“Oh there you go,” Hank intervenes, scoffing. “What’d I fuckin’ tell ya? He’s using you to get through this ‘something’, and then he’ll toss you out like trash. Trust me, I’ve known him longer than you, and it’s what he does.” He growls, showing clear resentment towards Reed that Connor does not like the feeling of.

“Just- Just shut up, Hank!” Connor is just about cracking on the surface, he can’t take all this hate and arguing that both of them had put in the past long ago, which has now bubbled up again. And it’s because of Gavin, of all people. But there’s no way Connor will blame him. This is clearly Hank’s fault. “This could be so much simpler than we’re making it! Just let me see him Hank, please, I can help him!!” Connor shouted.

Hank huffed and fixed Connor with a glare, “Connor, I don’t what you seeing him. I don’t want him to... do anything to you, like whatever the everloving fuck it was he pulled last time. You came back a mess, and I’m not going to let him hurt you anymore.”

Connor felt himself snap as he scowled at his farther figure, “You know what? You’re not the boss of me Hank! You don’t control what I do. I am alive, I have free will, and if I want to see Gavin I can!” He fixed Hank with a cold stare. “I don’t care what you think.” He blurts, too angry to think before speaking. But it seems, so is Hank.

As Connor grabs Hank’s car keys from the kitchen table and starts towards the front door, Hank yells “Fine! Just take my fucking car, without my goddamn permission, and leave! See if I fucking care! In fact, if you love him so much, why don’t you just stay at his place you fuckin’ robot!? Seems you prefer it there anyway!” He retorted, scoffing at the end. Connor refused to let it show how much Hank’s words hurt him.

With a hand on the front door handle he turns back to Hank one more time and shouts, “Fine, if that’s what you want, Lieutenant! Gavin needs me and I’m leaving to show him the kindness he needs, not that he ever will or ever did get from you. You’re a horrible person Hank, I hate you! Don’t bother calling me or waiting for me, because I won’t come back!” He’s aware his LED is probably blazing red right now, and his vision is slightly blurry from the tears in his eyes. But he doesn’t care, he’s too angry to care, so he flings the door open and leaves, shutting it behind him loudly, leaving Hank to stand alone in the darkness of his house.

————————————————————  
————————————————————

Gavin was curled up between his wall and his kitchen counter when he heard the knock. Gavin sniffled, and didn’t answer. He had a horrible fear in the pit of his belly, twisting his insides of who it might be, who it has to be. 

“Gavin?” He hears. Why the fuck did he call him?? Gavin looks down at his misty hands and immediately shuts his eyes tight once more. How the fuck is he going to let Connor see him like this? Well, at least the android doesn’t have a key to his apartment. It’s fine, he can’t come i-

“Gavin, your door is unlocked.”

Shit.

“...But I’ll only come in myself if you refuse to let me in. Please let me help you Gavin, open the door.”

Fuck. “...I told you not to go... why are you here, dipshit? Just leave.” Before Connor can answer, Gavin hears scratching from his side of the apartment door, mixed with anxious meows of Jake. Gavin hears Connor chuckle,

“See even the cat wants me to come in.” Gavin can’t help but smile as Connor’s life and comforting voice drifts to his ears pleasantly, warming his heart that... doesn’t exist, sort of. Gavin sighs. He’s so sick of all the confusion and anxiety this weird body is giving him. “He sounds worried about you Gavin,” Connor’s voice drags him away from spiralling for the thirty-three thousand, six-hundred and eighty-third time. “...Why did you tell me not to come?” Connor sounds partly curious with that one.

Gavin sighs, it comes out much shakier than he’d anticipated. “Because... I, can’t. I can’t, uhm, control it, Connor.” Even though Connor can’t see him, Gavin feels the need to shift uncomfortably. “I-I know, you don’t know everything... But it’s... alot. It’s so confusing, I-I don’t even know what happened-“

“Gavin.” Connor snaps, effectively stopping Gavin from spiralling, yet again. “Please let me in. Let me see you, and we can talk.”

There’s a long silence, only broken by Jake continuing to meow for Connor to come in, until Gavin finally stands up. “Okay... okay. You can... you can come in.” Gavin moves to stand behind the wall that separates his lounge and his kitchen; when Connor comes in, he won’t be able to see him.

Gavin hears the door creak open, letting light into his dark apartment. “It’s cold.” Connor mutters first. Oh yeah, thought Gavin. He forgot about that fact that anybody else would feel frozen in this apartment except him. He hears a faint scratching as Jake begins to purr. “Gavin? Where are-“

Gavin hears Connor take another step. “Stop.” Connor stops. “Okay, uh... Please” Gavin swallows roughly, “Try not to freak out. Is the, uh, door closed?” Gavin mutters, and hears Connor close the door. “Okay Connor, c-come into the kitchen.”

He shuts his eyes and curls his fists as Connor walks in. Gavin opens his eyes after a few seconds, seeing a surprised Connor with rounded eyes - he never would have guessed. Gavin puts a misty, translucent hand on the back of his neck. “Guess this uh... wasn’t what you were expecting, huh.” Although he tries to appear non-chalant and, well, stable, even he can hear the thickness of his own voice from crying earlier, and it wavers embarrassingly as he speaks. There’s no way Connor wouldn’t noticed.

“Well... I didn’t know what to expect, anyway. B-but... what... why are you..?” Gavin could feel Connor’s eyes going up and down his body and shifted his weight unconsciously.

“Yeah, you sound about as confused as I am... As I have been... for the past few weeks.” He muttered. He’s beginning to feel very uncomfortable and is on the verge of breaking down into tears when Connor starts walking up to him. Gavin realises the android is reaching out for his hand and, well, his heart swells at the fact he hasn’t frightened the android away just yet, but he knows Connor won’t be able to grasp it. Gavin lifts his hand for Connor to feel it easier, and they both stare transfixed as the mist just parts as Connor’s hand goes straight through Gavins. Connor’s eyes widen even further, if it’s possible, and he begins wafting the mist of Gavins hand with fascination, as the android hand seemingly chases away the mist, so that it doesn’t even have the formation of a human hand anymore. Partially horrified by this, Gavin instinctively recoils his hand closer to his chest once more, the mist instantly following it and forming a human hand on the end of his forearm once more. It’s strange that even though it’s just mist, when it reforms Gavin’s hand, it also reforms all the dips and scars and divots of his skin, as if it’s human skin. Gavin chances a look back at Connor to see the android gazing at his face intently. Gavin feels his invisible heart begin to thump with the hope and happiness that he hasn’t scared Connor off, and when a smile slips he looks away, slightly flustered. Connor somehow wraps both of his hands around Gavins, careful not to stir the mist there, but enough that Gavin can feel the presence of the android’s hands. Even though it’s not the same as feeling with his actual skin, it’s like he can sense it. Gavin stares at their hands for a moment before looking back up at Connor with watery eyes, to see the android also smiling slightly nervously.

“You’re okay Gavin,” Connor hushed. “You don’t have to worry. It’s still you in there, isn’t it?”

“Yeah... well-“

“Exactly.” Connor said at the same time Gavin muttered ‘well.’

Gavin sighed through his nose, “I... you know last time you were here, and I... s-scared you away?” Gavin’s voice sounded broken and cracked, and he hated it but Connor nodded, so he continued before he could allow himself to stop. “That... wasn’t me. It was someone- something, else, something that wants to scare people, l-like it feeds on fucking fear and it has to in order to survive. In the interrogation room, it wasn’t me, to Tina, that- you weren’t there but that wasn’t me, to Sean, and- and those kids-“ Gavin stutters to a stop when he feels the presence of Connor’s hand against his cheek. He sighs. “I’ve... been able to hold it back, but I just... I don’t know what’s goin on Connor. I don’t, fucking know, and I- I can’t be alone anymore, I- I’m sorry I-“

“Gavin.” Connor’s voice was suddenly louder than it had been since he saw Gavin, and Gavin jumped slightly but looked up at Connor. “I don’t know either, and this is... certainly something I’ve never seen, or heard of, before, but... I’ll stay with you, and we’ll work it out. And don’t you dare apologise about calling me, or asking me for help. You need someone right now, more than ever, and I’m more than happy to be that person.” Gavin’s eyes are watering again, and his tears that somehow seem to be able to not fall through mist drip down his face. 

“Th-thank you, Connor.” He muttered.

“Your welcome, Gavin.”

Gavin sniffled, “But what if I- s-scare you again, what if it’s not me again, I-I don’t wanna-“ he shuts up and blurts out the next two words quietly, like they were stinging his tongue and too painful to hold back. “-hurt you.”

Connor moved his hand from next to Gavin’s cheek to just under his chin, a silent message to get him to look up; and Gavin did. “I know you won’t hurt me, Gavin. You’ve been able to hold back this long, and I trust you. You are not a monster Gavin. You are a human being, you make me laugh and smile, you understand and listen, at least, now you do, you are beautiful and captivating and I-“ Connor stops suddenly, like all of that was leading to something he didn’t want to say. I’ll... help you.” He finishes somewhat lamely instead, but Gavin wasn’t even focusing on what he did or was about to say, he’s too overwhelmed by how trusting and understanding the android is of him. He sniffles again (Connor finds it absolutely endearing and.. cute,) and he stands closer to Connor, trusting the android not to disturb the mist as he lightly drapes his arms around the smaller man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that was shorter than the others, i’ll make up for it, probably
> 
> And i’m sorry about the first half lol, I wanted some hank and connor drama but that was a bit much even for me, so i made the gavcon softer than first planned haha

**Author's Note:**

> Instagram: @gv2oo_gavin
> 
> If you want, you can chat me up on Instagram, tag me in fanart if anyone makes any haha, or keep updated with what I’m doin (fanfic and art wise) by giving me a follow! 
> 
> I’d appreciate it, and I am always open to chat if anyone wants to or has questions. 
> 
> (REQUESTS OPEN!)  
> I’ll even take requests 👀 no smut though! Otherwise just ask for pretty much anything with Gavin, Nines or Connor in it (if it’s a ship i’ll do reed900, convin or rk1700) and I’ll think about it.  
> Requests will most likely be oneshots, unless you give me an idea I really like then I may think about making a chapter fic with it.  
> If you do ask for a request it may take me a while to get round to/finish it, but I’ll update you on progress :)  
> (i’d love for someone to request something that’d be really cool so don’t be shy-)


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